beautiful love

so suanggita called me today! at the wee hours of the morning again. haha. but really happy to hear her voice :) God has such gd timing. all the best for A level results everyone!!! dun worry!! look at me, i turned out fine :)

anw yesterday was chinese new year party at the souphouse! (even though i was pretty sad i did manage to forget about all the stuffs and have a gd time) ate such wonderful food! helped cook thai food..i'm proud of my new cooking skills. haha. there was sushi, kimchi fried rice (the best EVER! and i dun even like kimchi. that says alot), tom yum soup, noodles..yummilicious. plus of cuz good company. the place was packed! and everyone was wearing red. made me happy :)

so about the ministry thing, found a youth group from a church 20mins away..emailed them..found a children's bible study program thing..emailed them. just waiting to see which door God opens so i can do whatever He wants me to. because He knows best :)

down in the dumps

feeling kinda down today..lotsa stuff happening around me. people fighting over all sorts of reasons..friendships filled with tension over something i didn't even know mattered..people breaking down over shattered hearts..worry over what ministry to get involved with for class..turned down by a few already cuz they have enough leaders..not that i think i'll be a good enough leader cuz my life feels like it's a wreck right now..still don't have a church and a community i can feel at home with..
and i just..

DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

i can't see the future
what plans You have for me
i can't go back to the past
change the wrongs and hurts
i can't stand the present
this mess i find myself in
my heart is torn into pieces
and the only one who can put me back together is
You

sore..

my arm's so sore..feels like it's gonna fall off any moment..arggghh..stupid tetanus shot.
think i've got insomnia or smth. can't really sleep the past few days. dunno why! :( nothing on my mind..just tossing and turning in bed. feeling really tired in classes..can't really concentrate. time really flies though. can't believe it's feb already!

so there's this guy who likes me..which is weird cuz i dun really know him. we had like, one class tog last semester, and i spoke like 2 sentences to him before..that's all. so i find out he likes me n i'm completely shocked. and he asked me on a pick-a-date, but i had class that night, so..now i dun really know what to say whenever i see him arnd sch. heh. plus trying to avoid this other guy who might possibly ask me out too.. ..... i wish guys weren't so complicated. all i wanna focus on now is studies and God..but it feels like guys always pop up randomly and distract me. :(

Lord be the centre of my life

yay! this is my art project for current affairs. it's like on death and destruction and despair..but yet there's always hope as seen by the linking of hands and the guy praying..they're strategically placed in the sky where God is. haha.

got my tetanus shot today! was so freaked out by stupid josh. nearly cried n wanted my mummy there! but the nurse just poked me with the needle and it was over, and i felt tremendously foolish for being so scared. haha. have to go back for another shot next wk. :(

pics just for joce :)

me in pink! some girls n i wore red/pink this wk to celeb CNY in our own way :) the only way i'll ever wear pink. haha.

us bowling..we got thrashed by the other team. haha.

my jamaica spring break mission team! gettin to know them better :)

me n alex after our gerig girls dance party! was awesome. our very own club in our hallway :)

me and rachael at capri's bdae party

yay!

SO my 1.5 mile run is over! i walked half the time..haha. made it in 20mins. and got into a deep conversation with a classmate while we walked tog. so i'd say it was a rather enjoyable 'run' :)
ystdy had my first COS104 (computing class) quiz..guessed the whole thing. couldn't bother studying. sooo boring! all that stuff about whatever's inside the com..like i care! i just want it to work! so anw..my guessing skills are pretty rockin' cuz i got 6/10! pleasant surprise. haha.

worked on photoshop for my art project..the theme was current affairs, so i did the indonesian flood. not that i know anything that's goin on arnd the world now..i looked to my parents for help. haha. the only current thing i know is britney spears shaved her head. haha. will try and put my art piece up on my blog if i can. :) it's pretty sucky, but..whatever. my fren who's an art major was like..you'll prob have to spend at least 7hrs on it. but i was done in 2hrs! so...that was cool. :)

ystdy's dinner was awesome. it was some special occasion..i have no idea what. but dinner was basically junk food. hot dogs, fries, cotton candy, popcorn, ice balls that looked like ice kachang but were tasteless..yup. and they set up a mini bball court in the DC..was like some bball event or smth. anw..had fun throwing popcorn at pple and making a huge mess in the DC. feel bad for the pple who have to clean it up. heh.

today was Battle of the bands! it's like a competition where pple form bands and play covers of songs and we get to choose who wins..was pretty awesome. i knew like 3 out of the 5 bands that competed. this one guy was...whoaaaa. i bet all the girls are in love with him now. i am. haha. his guitar skills are like the most amazing EVER! and his voice! everyone was blown away. and i know him! he was in my class last sem.. didn't know he was so musically talented. :)

and then i played for intramural basketball for my dorm..we pretty much got thrashed. and by the soccer team no less. 28-5. haha. oh well. it was really fun though. we were competitive but having fun still. and amazingly i'm not tired/sore! i'm energetic! i shld workout more :)
so today was really stressed out cuz had a million and one things to do and events to attend, but it's all over. glad i'm done with all my hw and stuff.

just gotta look forward to tmr..where i have to take my tetanus shots!! aaahhhh. i hate shots. seriously. pls pray for me. this stupid guy kept telling me how thick the needle was and how painful the shot was and he was scaring the bajookees out of me. still dunno whether he's kidding or not. meanoooo.

Misery

I am but so small and so weak
But still You readily give me strength
Sometimes I'm so powerless
You know it and You fill me up


I think no one else knows me
And all the things they cannot see
But even with the curtains drawn
You know everything that's going on


The best of me without You will fall
Sorrow comes and to Your feet I crawl
Though times I may want to give up
You still stay and You never doubt


In Your perfect purity
Even the light seems dark
How can I praise Your name
How can misery reach Your perfection?


But You still want me
You still love me
You hold on to me and cover me with Your hand
Take away my misery
So that I can be
more like You
Worship You still

- 19 april '05 
Copyright by Benita Lee

happy CNY to me

doesn't really feel like CNY here. missin out on all the atmosphere at home! the annoying CNY songs on the radio n tv..yummy food like my ah ma's cooking..all my angbaos..relatives i had no idea i had cuz we see each other once a year and forget they exist after that...aaahhhhh. sigh. today's just another ordinary day. like yesterday. and the day before. though my family called while in the midst of CNY celebrations. made me realize i miss CNY! grrrr.

fri had bubble tea party. was a happy day. so many pple came..laughed so hard like never before. haha. was asked to sing s'pore national anthem, and to my utter shame, i realized i forgot. hehe. only could remember mari kita...... uhhh.. blank. so much for 18 years of propaganda in sch. heh.

ystdy played in the snow again. need new gloves. 1min in the snow and my hands are numb. got hit in the head by a huge snowball made by stupid levi..it was 3 times the size of my head can! it hurt. after that, it was war. and like a hero, i ran away screaming until we reached the theatre. haha. went to see our very own taylor production with the set i helped paint! my name was in the brochure! i'm famous! yay! haha. it was ok..almost fell asleep at certain points. was pretty depressing. most plays i've seen are depressing. dunno why. but i loved their accents. so quaint.

today played at worship for forest park methodist church in fort wayne..went pretty alright. had fun..i really do love doin this. those pple are like really conservative, so their worship is mostly hymns and they rarely get to see this kinda worship, so they really really appreciated our presence there. it was so awesome to be welcomed and appreciated like that. they even cooked us lunch! homecooked meals do wonderful things to my starved stomach. :)

In Christ Alone

ok, past few days, been really happy. even on cheesy valentine's day. cuz received lotsa chocs and cards! and 3 e-cards from my mummy n daddy! haha. they so cute. but today..depressed again. ughhhhh. pms. in pain. really wish i can break through in this aspect of my life. been haunting me for so long.

so..yesterday it all started again. feels like a vicious cycle. and this time it was worse, because it was my friend who said it. she was like, i dont get the church in america. who lifts up their hands in church?? and i was completely shocked. i was like, i do!!
sighhhh. i'm battling this... different denomination thing all over again. i hate it. why do we have to be divided? we should be united as a body in Christ, but this issue has been plaguing the body of Christ for so long and no one's doing anything about it. not like we can change anything anyway.

then..another friend, or friends rather. they were like, women shouldn't be holding leadership positions in the church. it's just not biblical. and i was like..ahhhh..Lord are You trying to test me or something? Now i'm like, it is really biblical that women cannot be leaders? then what's the Lord doing? putting all these dreams and grand ideas in my head, making me wanna serve Him, and then now i find out i can't. well it's probably not impossible, but it'll be a heck of a try. trying to fight my way through, to prove to these people that women can do it, that we're just as equally called to serve the Lord. feel like we as women have so much more work cut out for us. like we have to do much better than guys just to be seen as equal among them. so much pressure! now that i think about it, i've never seen a female worship leader in chapel either. great. am i supposed to be the only one who believes in myself and in God's power to work through me and use me?

can someone please tell me the verses for lifting our hands..for women serving in church..if there even are any..

pic of crazy snow storm

snow day!

today was..an experience. my first snow day. classes were cancelled cuz there were a huge snow storm. it was awful esp in the morning!!!! the wind was hurling and the snow was being whirled around like some mini tornado. the ground was completely covered in a snow blanket about 10 inches deep. couldn't even see the roads/pavements! couldn't see how deep the snow was too, which was pretty dangerous. cuz i would walk on happily (well not happily cuz snow was in my face every second) and then suddenly, plop! the snow would come up to my knees cuz there's a sudden slope or smth. horrible!!!

i lived every second in fear not knowing when i was gonna fall next. it was way beyond cold. it was freezing. and then levi decided to have a snowball fight. craziness! i got snow all over my coat. and my hands were numb for a few mins. and the cars! omg. so hilarious!!! they were up to their tyres covered in snow, and so when they tried to get outta the parking lot, it was impossible. we saw a car making progress though, gunning the engine, then reversing, then going forward again, and repeating the cycle a gazillion times. and he moved like 1cm in 5mins. hahaha. walking was much faster though more brutal.

anyway!~ besides all that..did i mention classes were cancelled???? happiness. today was my worst day sumore! sooo happy. my alarm rang at 9am, i groggily opened my eyes, and my roommate announced that all classes were cancelled for the day! we rejoiced. i tried to go back to sleep, but the excitement was gnawing away at me. so i went online for the first time in weeks. :) then i slacked around for the whole day. till spiritual renewal series #2. this guy frm sri lanka's preaching. he's pretty gd. then we braved the snow and wind and made it to the souphouse for chai! so nice n warm. this whole day makes me so wanna move to california. where the sun always shines! :)

plus. let's all pray together with me that classes are cancelled again tomorrow! so i can postpone my dreaded 1.5 mile run!
OH! and thank God!!! i took my first biblical literature exam ystdy, and got like 96%! isn't God amazing??? i nearly died memorizing all those dates (1450BC Israel's exodus from Egypt - Exodus, 930BC-586BC Divided Kingdom of Israel and Judah.. just to name a few). it was pretty painful. BUT..the Lord was with me! as always! and i did way past my expectations. God is so good. :)

haircut!

i got a haircut! sort of. cut my fringe myself. haha. think i look kinda like a doll with all that straight fringe.

imagine me n you..so happie together!

that song is stuck in my head. arrrgghh. but i love it. haha.
finishing off the mailing list for the jamaica mission trip..took me hours to write a personal note, stuff the envelopes with stuff and address them..so if u get an envelope frm taylor university, dun be surprised! i put down lots of pple's names cuz they required like 75 addresses. ugh.

anw been working out this wk!!! almost everyday. so proud of myself can! haha. preparing to run 2.4km yet again. and here i was thinking that the horrors of napfa was over. well at least there's no pass/fail. i can just walk the whole way. just that it'll be embarrassing cuz i'll be last. heh.

ystdy had noodle partyy! yummy. there's a new guy who transferred to taylor. missionary kid frm thailand. he makes me laugh! haha. watched this horrible korean movie at the souphouse. think it's called the king and the clown..smth like that. so gross! about 2 gay guys. like the korean version of brokeback mountain, only not as visual probably. anw..the plot was pretty ok..if it were a guy and a girl, it'll be a really touching movie. but the mere fact that it was two guys made us..not sympathize with their tragic lives.

today went to visit a korean church with a couple of pple. it was ok..really traditional and conservative. plus the whole language barrier thing. the translator seemed unsure of how to translate so it got kinda boring. but we had free lunch. yummy korean food! :) haven't studied AT ALL. and i've got 2 papers and one test next wk. ughh.
biblical literature!!! so hard. must memorize all the dates and stuff frm the bible..

:)

I LOVE YOU JESUS, DEEP DOWN IN MY HEART!~

today's a happie day! despite the freezing cold, despite the heavy snow, despite the bad DC food, despite a long day of classes..why? because it's another day i get to spend with the Lord. thank You Lord, for another wonderful day :)

i am SO loving my intro to christian ed class. today we had a thought provoking, wonderful discussion about discipleship. realizing that christians in america, and prob other parts of the world, concentrate more on converting than discipling. so i was telling the class about FCBC and our G12 system, and they were pretty interested. esp the prof cuz i'm the only one from another culture, so i got to share about alot of the differences in our churches. that was cool. glad i got to share that! so we talked about Jesus' disciples..and what makes a disciple..all that stuff. really interesting..looking forward to every tue and thur!! :) plus it's a small grp..only 12 of us. so it's a pretty gd discussion grp size.

anw. confirmed goin to jamaica..ystdy went for the meeting..met the team i'll be goin with. pretty cool pple. the leaders and really really nice and made me feel welcomed and at home and psyched up for the trip. thank God for them. cuz i was pretty worried not knowing anyone on the team..but..God as usual comes thru for me. thank You Lord for small blessings like these! :)

i am a child of God!

SO. this weekend was really fun. fri went out. yes, OUT of campus! happiness. haha. to celebrate capri's bdae. went to an italian restaurant..then bowling! haven't been bowling in a longgg time so my game was pretty crappy. haha. but had lots of fun with ISS pple..especially the way some of them bowled. hilarious. haha. sat drove 2 hrs to indianapolis for the gospel fest at butler university. despite the fact that i made up 1/3 of the asian population there, i had a great time.

kirk franklin, this famous composer/producer was there, and he gave a sermon. it was..wow. everything he said totally touched my heart. really thank God for using him to speak to me. i went to the place feeling rather unsure about where to go..but i left it more certain. was thinking of not goin to jamaica for the mission trip, cuz my schedule this semester's pretty crazy. heavy workload. but..i think..with all the blessings God has given me, i should give back and give of my time and effort and serve Him. so.. it's gonna be a pretty hectic 3 mths. no time for social life. just study study study! haha. (as if)

anw. been pretty stressed out. it's only been 3 days of sch. but..seeing the syllabus..it's overwhelming. dunno how i'm gonna do all that work in one semester. especially intro to christian ed..SO much work but i really dun wanna drop it. been lookin forward to that class for a long time. but got SO much reading..assignments..plus have to go for their christian ed retreat..and have to do 8weeks of ministry on/off campus..all this takes up lots of time! plus my other classes are not easy AT ALL. the mission trip teams meet one night every wk. plus TCA prac once a wk. plus leadership class one night a wk. all my nights are gone! so.. just pray tt God will give me the strength to make it thru. i know He will.

today was the superbowl. it's this stupid thing americans call football. they're all crazy obsessed over it. ughhhh. so boring! some guy explained the rules to me ystdy..and i dun have any desire to watch it. haha. but..heard the indianapolis colts won..so yay! i guess everyone'll be in a good mood tmr :)
PLUS i managed to read the Tanakh till Leviticus! yay me! i'm gonna be hardworkin finally!

start of spring sem

today was the first day of classes! pretty gd. only 2 classes. excited for this sem!!!! especially for biblical literature 1..gonna learn about the old testament! we're reading the Tanakh..the Jewish bible..which is our Old testament. lots to read and memorize! but excited. taking a computer class :(.. digital tools (so i can play around with photos and stuff!)..stupid PE..have to workout 3 times a wk and got a 1.5mile run on valentine's day :(..intro to christian educational ministries..a leadership class..and ethnic and minority issues. think i've got lots of readin to do this semester.

anw. NYC was AWESOME. went shopping! went to Times square..to Chinatown..ate yummy food..got lotsa stuff at cheap prices. best of all, spent time with my mummy and daddy! and they brought a suitcase full of food. hahahaha. enough to last me a lifetime. i've got 3 huge boxes overflowing with food in my room now. omg. gonna have a chinese new yr party. haha. they brought my electric guit too! happiness. can practice now. oh! one more class...guitar lessons! so i can finally improve and get outta my stagnant stage. yay!

so..i'm back at taylor and hardly unpacked yet and there's a conference tmr at calvin college..which is a few hrs away. sighhh. totally forgot i signed up for that. tiring! but pretty cool too. it's a conference about faith and development. smth like that. gonna miss classes! yay! :)