We did this session on breaking free from sin and learning how to live in God's ways, and there were different assessments involved. These are some examples. (I'm writing all this down in my blog so I can safely throw away the papers and not feel guilty or bad about it because it will stay here for eternity and I can come back to it anytime).
Trusting Ourselves Appraisal
-Hearing God's word but not doing it
-Thinking we are something when we aren't
-Thinking we will not reap what we sow
-Thinking we can associate with bad company and not be corrupted
What do I want to do about this?
Pride Appraisal
-Having a stronger desire to do my will than God's will
-Being more dependent upon my strengths and resources than God's
-Being more concerned about controlling others than developing self-control
-Sometimes consider myself more important than others
-Having a tendency to think I have no needs
-Finding it difficult to admit that I was wrong
-Having a tendency to be more of a people-pleaser than a God-pleaser
-Being overly concerned about getting the credit I deserve
-Being driven to obtain the recognition that comes from degrees, titles, and positions
-Thinking I've got to have my life in order before God will accept me
What do I want to do about this?
Self-defense appraisal
-Fantasy (escaping from the real world)
-Denial (conscious or subconscious refusal to face the truth)
-Emotional insulation (withdrawing to avoid rejection)
-Projection (blaming others)
-Rationalization (making excuses for poor behavior)
What do I want to do about this?
Personal Worth appraisal
-How successful am I?
-How significant am I?
-How fulfilled am I?
-How happy am I?
-How much fun am I having?
-How secure am I?
-How peaceful am I?
Human Needs
Security/Acceptance: What makes me feel secure and accepted? When I am loved, included, accepted, and complimented; when I have people I love and trust taking care of me, providing for me, and watching over me; when others are interested in my life; when others are with me to face the storms of life...
Sustenance: What makes me feel sustenance? Loving relationships, a good time of rest to myself every so often, when my needs are met...
Significance: What helps make me feel significant? Accomplishments, being of use to others, doing something of good impact...
Achievement: What enables me to feel a sense of achievement? Completing something I'm proud of, getting a job/position I want, doing well at something I care about...
Belief Renewal
I would be more successful if... I base my life on God's goals for me. God has given us life and godliness. We are justified and sanctification has begun. Now I have to adopt God's character goals and be committed to working them out in my life. Success is not based on talents or gifts.
I would be more significant if... what is remembered for eternity is significant. To attain significance, focus on significant activities. Invest in people and do things that will make an impact.
I would be more fulfilled if... I bloom where I'm planted and use my gifts to bless others. We will be more fulfilled if we know our place and make an impact in the context we are in now instead of wishing for more or envying others.
I would be more satisfied if... I live well and produce quality in my relationships, work, and service.
I would be happier if... I want what I already have.
I would have more fun if... I were able to be more spontaneous and uninhibited, and try to please God instead of trying to please people.
I would be more secure if... I learned to depend on eternal things than temporal things. We have little control over the temporal, but we can trust that God will provide for our needs because He promised us He would. We will be most secure if we live according to the values and relationships which will endure eternally.
I would have more peace if... I resolve internal conflict and learn how to have the peace of God. Walking with God, trusting Him, knowing who He is and His intentions are key to this inner peace.
Showing posts with label Self-discovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-discovery. Show all posts
Thursday, December 02, 2010
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
A heart like Jesus'
I've just started reading 'Just like Jesus' by Max Lucado, because I think he's a phenomenal writer (and a wise one, too). I spotted this book at the church library and was hooked immediately after glancing through the first chapter. What he said was really meaningful and spoke volumes to me.
This is what he writes.
A heart like His
What if, for one day, Jesus were to become you? What if Jesus wakes up in your bed, walks in your shoes, lives in your home, and assumes your schedule? Nothing about your life changes - your circumstances remain the same, your problems aren't solved, your mistakes aren't wiped away - but one change occurs. Your heart gets the day off, and your life is led by the heart of Christ. His priorities govern your actions. His passions drive your decisions. His love directs your behavior. What would you be like? Would others notice a change?
God loves you just the way you are, but He refuses to leave you that way. He wants you to be just like Jesus.
(I think this about sums up what God desires for each and every one of us.)
If you think His love for you would be stronger if your faith were, you're wrong. If you think His love would be deeper if your thoughts were, wrong again. Don't confuse God's love with the love of people. Their love often increases with performance and decreases with mistakes. But God loves you right where you are.
God's love never ceases. Never. Though we spurn him. Ignore him. Reject him. Despise him. Disobey him. He will not change. Our evil cannot diminish his love. Our goodness cannot increase it. Our faith does not earn it anymore than our stupidity jeopardizes it. God doesn't love us less if we fail or more if we succeed. God's love never ceases.
Sometimes we think we can't change, and we attribute our pessimism or bad temper or tendency to lie to our character or nature. But where did we get that idea from? If we have a broken leg, of course we want to fix it. Shouldn't we do the same with our hearts and seek help for our wrong attitudes? We can change, because Jesus can change us.
If we are in Christ, we already have the heart of Christ. If we have given our lives to Jesus, Jesus has given himself to us. He has made our hearts his home and is ready to change us to be more like him.
This is what he writes.
A heart like His
What if, for one day, Jesus were to become you? What if Jesus wakes up in your bed, walks in your shoes, lives in your home, and assumes your schedule? Nothing about your life changes - your circumstances remain the same, your problems aren't solved, your mistakes aren't wiped away - but one change occurs. Your heart gets the day off, and your life is led by the heart of Christ. His priorities govern your actions. His passions drive your decisions. His love directs your behavior. What would you be like? Would others notice a change?
God loves you just the way you are, but He refuses to leave you that way. He wants you to be just like Jesus.
(I think this about sums up what God desires for each and every one of us.)
If you think His love for you would be stronger if your faith were, you're wrong. If you think His love would be deeper if your thoughts were, wrong again. Don't confuse God's love with the love of people. Their love often increases with performance and decreases with mistakes. But God loves you right where you are.
God's love never ceases. Never. Though we spurn him. Ignore him. Reject him. Despise him. Disobey him. He will not change. Our evil cannot diminish his love. Our goodness cannot increase it. Our faith does not earn it anymore than our stupidity jeopardizes it. God doesn't love us less if we fail or more if we succeed. God's love never ceases.
Sometimes we think we can't change, and we attribute our pessimism or bad temper or tendency to lie to our character or nature. But where did we get that idea from? If we have a broken leg, of course we want to fix it. Shouldn't we do the same with our hearts and seek help for our wrong attitudes? We can change, because Jesus can change us.
If we are in Christ, we already have the heart of Christ. If we have given our lives to Jesus, Jesus has given himself to us. He has made our hearts his home and is ready to change us to be more like him.
God's alternative intimacy
For our sex and sexuality class, we were given this article entitled 'God's Alternative Intimacy: Remaining chaste in an unchaste world,' and after I read it, I was a little unnerved and quite honestly, worried.
What if God's plan for me is to be single forever? Some people have that 'gift,' and I seem to be pretty different from others in terms of no relationship experience, no desire to be attached, high independence level... stuff like that. I mean, I never minded being single, because I got to do what I wanted, whenever I wanted, however I wanted. And I like to think I'm pretty independent, so I don't really need someone else to 'complete' my life. But... at the same time... I'm already 23. What if God is hinting to me that I am meant to be alone for the rest of my life? I don't want to be that old lady with her 10 cats. I don't even like cats!
This photo doesn't really have anything to do with what I'm talking about. I just thought it was cool.
I admit, this issue brings out certain things I've always struggled with, such as my constant search for love, acceptance, approval, appearance, and all that. Sometimes it makes me wonder, am I really that unlovable? How come this person and that person can find someone to love them when they seem to be 'worse' than me? Is there something wrong with me?
And then other times I realize there have been guys who have 'pursued' me, but I pushed them away because apparently I have high standards. I guess I just couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life with them, so I didn't want to waste my time and theirs.
Ultimately, it's not about me being worried that I can't find anyone; it's about me being worried that I will be all alone for the rest of my life (with my 10 cats), and loneliness is a scary thing to deal with, because I get bored easily, and usually it's because there's no one to hang out with or do things with.
This is what the article says.
"God does call some of us to remain single, even if the opportunity to marry presents itself... But this means loneliness. How well I and every other single Christian knows loneliness. It has been my biggest struggle in life. I think that's why over the past decade I've put so much effort into learning to hear the voice of the Lord; just a simple phrase from Him eases my loneliness and keeps me going for weeks."
And this is a quote from Benedict Groeschel, who wrote the book 'The courage to be chaste':
"The single person facing life alone may feel intimidated in the world of couples. There is often no one waiting at the airport, no one with whom to discuss problems, no one to call when you backed your car into a tree."
That's pretty depressing. The author's solution is to find a spiritual family, but still. It's not the same. I don't know what to think about this whole issue, except to trust that whatever God has in plan for me, He will take me through it, and I will never be alone because He is always with me. I know God will not make me go through more than I can bear, and as strong and stable as I seem on the outside, I'm really just as weak and flawed as everyone else.
This is the link to the article:
http://www.goodmorals.org/duin.htm
What if God's plan for me is to be single forever? Some people have that 'gift,' and I seem to be pretty different from others in terms of no relationship experience, no desire to be attached, high independence level... stuff like that. I mean, I never minded being single, because I got to do what I wanted, whenever I wanted, however I wanted. And I like to think I'm pretty independent, so I don't really need someone else to 'complete' my life. But... at the same time... I'm already 23. What if God is hinting to me that I am meant to be alone for the rest of my life? I don't want to be that old lady with her 10 cats. I don't even like cats!
This photo doesn't really have anything to do with what I'm talking about. I just thought it was cool.
I admit, this issue brings out certain things I've always struggled with, such as my constant search for love, acceptance, approval, appearance, and all that. Sometimes it makes me wonder, am I really that unlovable? How come this person and that person can find someone to love them when they seem to be 'worse' than me? Is there something wrong with me?
And then other times I realize there have been guys who have 'pursued' me, but I pushed them away because apparently I have high standards. I guess I just couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life with them, so I didn't want to waste my time and theirs.
Ultimately, it's not about me being worried that I can't find anyone; it's about me being worried that I will be all alone for the rest of my life (with my 10 cats), and loneliness is a scary thing to deal with, because I get bored easily, and usually it's because there's no one to hang out with or do things with.
This is what the article says.
"God does call some of us to remain single, even if the opportunity to marry presents itself... But this means loneliness. How well I and every other single Christian knows loneliness. It has been my biggest struggle in life. I think that's why over the past decade I've put so much effort into learning to hear the voice of the Lord; just a simple phrase from Him eases my loneliness and keeps me going for weeks."
And this is a quote from Benedict Groeschel, who wrote the book 'The courage to be chaste':
"The single person facing life alone may feel intimidated in the world of couples. There is often no one waiting at the airport, no one with whom to discuss problems, no one to call when you backed your car into a tree."
That's pretty depressing. The author's solution is to find a spiritual family, but still. It's not the same. I don't know what to think about this whole issue, except to trust that whatever God has in plan for me, He will take me through it, and I will never be alone because He is always with me. I know God will not make me go through more than I can bear, and as strong and stable as I seem on the outside, I'm really just as weak and flawed as everyone else.
This is the link to the article:
http://www.goodmorals.org/duin.htm
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Goodbye school
The GRE (graduate record examination?), that's what inspired this post. It was an interesting experience. First of all, I hardly studied; I started looking through the preparation book about 5 days before the exam. I skimmed through the tips and advice, rushed through the practice tests, didn't bother looking at the explanations for those questions I answered wrong, and slept late the night before (because I was surfing the net... not studying).
But in my defense, I memorized the top 10 GRE words, and the next 20, too. I know what you're wondering - what are the chances of all the questions in the test containing words only from this list?? Turns out, zero. Oh well. You live and learn.
So I didn't do too well on the verbal section. It was filled with weird-looking words I'd never seen in my life, so naturally I muddled through it with lots of guesswork. I did much better on the quantitative (math) section, but who cares. I'm never going to become a mathematician. I was the first one to complete the test and run out of the room, but that was mostly because I did a lot of guessing on the questions. I figured I would never decipher what words like 'obdormition' or 'salsuginose' meant even if I spent the rest of my life guessing, so why bother? Might as well finish fast, go home, and take a nap (since I woke up at the crack of dawn to be at the testing center by 8am).
All in all, I did well enough to be above average, but not good enough for Ivy League schools. I can't imagine going to those schools though. Being surrounded by nerds 24/7, people who are genuinely passionate about their field of study, unlike me, because at this point I have no idea what I want, and if I go back to school it would only be because:
1. I don't know what else to do
2. I just want to make more friends and have fun
3. School is a good way to delay getting a job and becoming a real adult
Sometimes I think I've pursued the wrong degree - I've always fared better in math and science than in the arts, and I actually enjoy doing math, because of the pure objectivity of it. Once I figure out how to solve a question, I'm on a roll, and I love it. I could do it forever, like the time I spent days in McDonald's completing every single 'A' Level math preparation book that ever existed. But then again, there's no creativity in math or science, just loads of numbers. And I like creating things and writing and imagining and all that right brain kind of stuff.
So anyway, I don't even know why I took the test; it's not like I'm going to graduate school anytime soon. The mere thought of buying another ridiculously priced textbook, sitting through another horrendously boring lecture, and writing another essay on some obscure topic I know nothing of and care nothing about is a little more than terrifying. After 22 years (okay, more like 16 years) of studying my life away, I think I'm pretty much done with that.
Not to sound prideful or anything, but even though I'm good at academics (somehow professors have always taken a liking to my spontaneous 'crap' - I thank God every day for the wonderful gift of writing-about-something-I-know-nothing-about-yet-coming-across-as-somewhat-of-an-expert), honestly I feel burnt out. 16 years is a long time, even if 3/4 of that time was spent grumbling about the horrors of the rigid Singaporean education system.
Looking back, although it was tough at the time to undergo the stresses of outrageously difficult exams and assignments in school, I'll admit I'm rather grateful for the solid foundation I received from Singapore. All that abuse from insane teachers and impossible tests has made me more determined to succeed and prove them wrong (I went from an F to an A, so take that, crazy-teacher-whose-name-I-forgot-who-kept-telling-my-entire-class-we-were-stupid-idiots-who-would-never-pass-A-Level-math-or-do-anything-useful-in-life!) Also, it made my four years in university in America a total breeze. I think even the academics in secondary school was possibly harder than that of Taylor.
But I was probably more stressed out in university because I was studying something I actually gave two hoots about, so naturally I was determined to do well and beat everyone else. Even though it didn't seem like it, I was a little obsessive about being the best (or one of the best) - I checked my scores against the class average every once in a while to make sure my 'As' were better than everyone else's. When they weren't, I fell into a funk for a day or two, and then I worked my butt off to make sure it didn't happen again.
All this to say... I have no idea what my point was. I've gone off on too many tangents.
Anyway, school, I guess it's time to bid farewell to you. It's been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, but now it's time to get off and... do something else with my life.
But in my defense, I memorized the top 10 GRE words, and the next 20, too. I know what you're wondering - what are the chances of all the questions in the test containing words only from this list?? Turns out, zero. Oh well. You live and learn.
So I didn't do too well on the verbal section. It was filled with weird-looking words I'd never seen in my life, so naturally I muddled through it with lots of guesswork. I did much better on the quantitative (math) section, but who cares. I'm never going to become a mathematician. I was the first one to complete the test and run out of the room, but that was mostly because I did a lot of guessing on the questions. I figured I would never decipher what words like 'obdormition' or 'salsuginose' meant even if I spent the rest of my life guessing, so why bother? Might as well finish fast, go home, and take a nap (since I woke up at the crack of dawn to be at the testing center by 8am).
All in all, I did well enough to be above average, but not good enough for Ivy League schools. I can't imagine going to those schools though. Being surrounded by nerds 24/7, people who are genuinely passionate about their field of study, unlike me, because at this point I have no idea what I want, and if I go back to school it would only be because:
1. I don't know what else to do
2. I just want to make more friends and have fun
3. School is a good way to delay getting a job and becoming a real adult
Sometimes I think I've pursued the wrong degree - I've always fared better in math and science than in the arts, and I actually enjoy doing math, because of the pure objectivity of it. Once I figure out how to solve a question, I'm on a roll, and I love it. I could do it forever, like the time I spent days in McDonald's completing every single 'A' Level math preparation book that ever existed. But then again, there's no creativity in math or science, just loads of numbers. And I like creating things and writing and imagining and all that right brain kind of stuff.
So anyway, I don't even know why I took the test; it's not like I'm going to graduate school anytime soon. The mere thought of buying another ridiculously priced textbook, sitting through another horrendously boring lecture, and writing another essay on some obscure topic I know nothing of and care nothing about is a little more than terrifying. After 22 years (okay, more like 16 years) of studying my life away, I think I'm pretty much done with that.
Not to sound prideful or anything, but even though I'm good at academics (somehow professors have always taken a liking to my spontaneous 'crap' - I thank God every day for the wonderful gift of writing-about-something-I-know-nothing-about-yet-coming-across-as-somewhat-of-an-expert), honestly I feel burnt out. 16 years is a long time, even if 3/4 of that time was spent grumbling about the horrors of the rigid Singaporean education system.
Looking back, although it was tough at the time to undergo the stresses of outrageously difficult exams and assignments in school, I'll admit I'm rather grateful for the solid foundation I received from Singapore. All that abuse from insane teachers and impossible tests has made me more determined to succeed and prove them wrong (I went from an F to an A, so take that, crazy-teacher-whose-name-I-forgot-who-kept-telling-my-entire-class-we-were-stupid-idiots-who-would-never-pass-A-Level-math-or-do-anything-useful-in-life!) Also, it made my four years in university in America a total breeze. I think even the academics in secondary school was possibly harder than that of Taylor.
But I was probably more stressed out in university because I was studying something I actually gave two hoots about, so naturally I was determined to do well and beat everyone else. Even though it didn't seem like it, I was a little obsessive about being the best (or one of the best) - I checked my scores against the class average every once in a while to make sure my 'As' were better than everyone else's. When they weren't, I fell into a funk for a day or two, and then I worked my butt off to make sure it didn't happen again.
All this to say... I have no idea what my point was. I've gone off on too many tangents.
Anyway, school, I guess it's time to bid farewell to you. It's been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, but now it's time to get off and... do something else with my life.
Friday, June 25, 2010
My bucket list
As inspired by the movie, "The Bucket List," (I haven't seen the movie, I'm just inspired by its premise) I've written a list myself, before I 'kick the bucket' and go to be with Jesus. But hopefully that won't happen anytime soon, because there's so much I want to do in life.
My Bucket List
-Watch an NBA basketball game live.
-Travel to Kenya or any other African country, explore the place and experience the culture.
-Spend a year doing a missions trip somewhere in the world, helping others in need.
-Go to Venice and ride a gondola.
-Learn ballroom dancing.
-Go skydiving.
-Learn how to use a gun (just for the heck of it).
-Try fencing.
-Learn karate.
-Learn Spanish. Or Korean.
-Ride in a submarine.
-Learn how to surf.
-Jump off a cliff.
-Work on a movie set.
-Visit the Grand Canyon.
-Visit the pyramids of Egypt.
-Visit the Christ the Redeemer statue in Brazil.
-Go to Germany during Oktoberfest.
-Celebrate Mardi Gras.
-Go to DisneyWorld in Florida again.
-Go on a road trip and visit all the states in America I haven’t been to.
-Visit Antarctica (after visiting Africa), so I can say I’ve been to every continent in the world.
-Vacation in the Carribean.
-Get certified as a bartender.
-Learn how to cook well.
-Learn how to drive eventually.
-Smoke weed (in a country where it’s legal, just to try it out).
-Go crazy in Las Vegas.
-Swim with dolphins. I will completely get over my absurd fear of the ocean one day.
-Go dog sledding in Alaska.
-Experience first-hand fashion week in NYC.
-Watch a world cup match live.
-Get a tattoo (just a tiny one).
-Help a complete stranger and ask for nothing in return.
-Make an impact on someone’s life unknowingly.
-Find my talents and make full use of them.
-Smile everyday and make others smile too.
-Fall in love.
-Find joy in everything.
-Live life to the fullest.
-Be thankful for everything.
I'm sure there's more, but this is it for now.
What I've already ticked off my bucket list:
-Visited Europe – France: Paris, Italy: Rome, Vatican City, Florence, Germany: Berlin, Munich, Frankfurt, Greece: Athens
-Went to Disney World/Disney Land/Universal Studios/Six Flags/Disney Sea.
-Lived in New York City.
-Went on a cruise.
-Lived in Los Angeles and interned in the film industry.
-Visited the Sydney Opera House.
-Went on a mission trip to Jamaica and Miami.
-Visited the Eiffel Tower.
-Visited the Louvre.
-Visited the ruins of Greece.
-Went into the Sistine Chapel in Vatican City.
-Visited churches and places where Jesus went to in Jerusalem.
-Explored the Coliseum in Rome.
-Visited a concentration camp in Munich.
-Went clubbing in Indiana, NYC, LA, Tokyo, Las Vegas, Hawaii, Bangkok, Singapore.
-Met random strangers and had a meal with them (their treat, of course).
-Let strangers buy drinks for me.
-Stayed over at a stranger’s house.
(Long story. I know, it could’ve ended badly if they’d turned out to be psychos, but they were pretty cool).
-Got drunk for the first time in NYC.
-Did stupid things when drunk.
-Held a koala bear in Australia (it pooped all over me).
-Broke a bone (three bones, to be exact, and at three different times).
-Dyed my hair (bright red, too).
-Had curly (well, wavy) hair.
-Baked cookies at midnight for study parties.
-Broke school rules and didn’t get caught.
-Sang karaoke in front of a bar full of strangers.
-Danced on stage in front of people (for Airband/for chapel/in a club).
-Sang/played guitar on stage in front of people (for chapel).
-Formed a band called Neveah – 'heaven' spelled backwards - for Taylor Christian Artists and performed regularly as a ministry to others.
-Talked to a Greek hunk on a motorcycle.
-Tossed a coin in the Trevi Fountain in Rome.
-Ate gelato on the Spanish Steps in Rome.
-Went sledding down the ice during winter.
-Led worship.
-Made money by my own hard work – first job ever – Yami Yogurt.
-Taught others how to speak Singlish.
-Had dance parties in classrooms.
-Gambled in a Las Vegas casino.
-Experienced the first fall of snow, snow fights, made snow angels and snowmen.
-Experienced leaves turning red and then falling off as the seasons changed.
-Been in two places at once (every time I crossed a state line in the US).
-Celebrated Cinco de Mayo.
-Made friends with people from all over the world.
-Saw the New York Yankees play a baseball game in their brand new stadium.
-Watched a live football game at college (it was actually exciting when we won the game).
-Had people offer me marijuana, cigarettes and tobacco.
-Wrote an entire full-length screenplay (a romantic comedy).
-Produced a short film and attended its premiere + after party on Sunset Boulevard
(granted, it was for school, but still cool all the same).
-Attended a film festival in LA.
-Went to several movie premieres in Hollywood.
-Saw several glamorous movie stars on the red carpet during premieres.
-Sat in the same movie theatre as Hollywood stars like Jennifer Garner and Drew Barrymore.
-Went to the movies for free.
-Celebrated Thanksgiving, complete with home cooked meal.
-Went to all kinds of concerts, from Fall Out Boy to Lady Gaga to Backstreet Boys to Pussycat Dolls to The Fray.
-Met up with random strangers from chat rooms.
-Had a pen pal from a different country.
-Went to several TV show tapings, like The Jay Leno Show, The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel Live.
-Attended the CNN Heroes award show in the Kodak Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard.
-Got surprised by a surprise 21st birthday party thrown by friends.
-Saw the legendary David Copperfield in action.
Can’t wait to add more to this growing list :)
I'm a city girl
After my attempts at living in the countryside... in the cornfields of Indiana and the quiet streets of Perth... I have decided that, without a doubt, the country is not for me. Yes, it's nice to sit and relax for a bit, but I just get too fidgety and my inner city girl squirms around in her seat, wanting to be let loose someplace where there are tons of people at all hours, bright lights, things to do, and adventures to experience.
It's only been a week and already I miss going to the mall anytime I want, meeting up with friends for a meal or a movie, even walking around the city aimlessly. I just want something to do, anything, other than watch TV from 7pm-midnight for lack of anything better to do. And I keep thinking about how much fun I was having, this time last year, in the city that never sleeps, good old New York City. Ohhhh good times. But it's okay.
Life will get more exciting soon. It just has to. Hopefully I will hear back from the schools in Korea soon so I can go teach English in Seoul!! And be reunited with friends!! And get to travel and be with cute little kids everyday!!
Look how ridiculously ADORABLE these little kiddos are!! I just want to hug them and squeeze their cheeks and bottle their cuteness up!!
I still have no idea how I'm going to teach a class full of hyped up kids, but... I'm sure I can learn as things progress... right? If it's meant to be, it will happen.
So today I'm grateful for this restful period of my life, where I get to chillax (chill out and relax) and think about what meaningful things I wish to do with my life.
It's only been a week and already I miss going to the mall anytime I want, meeting up with friends for a meal or a movie, even walking around the city aimlessly. I just want something to do, anything, other than watch TV from 7pm-midnight for lack of anything better to do. And I keep thinking about how much fun I was having, this time last year, in the city that never sleeps, good old New York City. Ohhhh good times. But it's okay.
Life will get more exciting soon. It just has to. Hopefully I will hear back from the schools in Korea soon so I can go teach English in Seoul!! And be reunited with friends!! And get to travel and be with cute little kids everyday!!
Look how ridiculously ADORABLE these little kiddos are!! I just want to hug them and squeeze their cheeks and bottle their cuteness up!!
I still have no idea how I'm going to teach a class full of hyped up kids, but... I'm sure I can learn as things progress... right? If it's meant to be, it will happen.
So today I'm grateful for this restful period of my life, where I get to chillax (chill out and relax) and think about what meaningful things I wish to do with my life.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Interviews, Flower Diagrams, Friends, and Food
That about sums up my week.
Interviews
I conducted 7 informational interviews this week with Taylor alumnae, and it was a pretty interesting experience. I actually emailed about 20 Taylor alums, in fields like Broadcast Media, Publishing, and Journalism, and shamelessly asked them if I could interview them about their job and the industry so I could gain insight to what it's really like in the real world before I enter it. And I got about 10 replies, which surprised me; I thought most of them would probably brush me off as an annoying senior hunting for a job. So I'm really grateful they took the time to talk to me.
I got to speak with people who work as publicists in book publishing companies, writers in non-profit organizations, editors in lifestyle magazines, writers in fashion magazines, and all that kind of stuff. It was truly eye-opening, and I received a lot of good advice from them. They told me to get as much experience as I could in writing, research companies before I apply to make sure I know what I'm getting myself into, and do something I'm passionate about, so that it will reflect in my work.
It was really helpful listening to what they had to say about their responsibilities, the people they worked with, and all that. Obviously those who worked for Christian companies had 'easier' experiences, because people were nicer and friendlier, but after interviewing all these people, I think I really do want to go into magazine writing for travel/entertainment/lifestyle/fashion. It just makes me excited thinking about it :)
The Flower - "That one piece of paper"
We're reading this book for Senior Capstone called What Color is Your Parachute 2010 by Richard Bolles, and it's a pretty awesome job-hunting/self-discovery book. We have to complete our Flower Diagram, which basically helps us decide what our life calling is. It took several hours to complete, because it consisted of taking tests and thinking about who I really am and what I really want, but it was well worth it. So here are the results.
My top transferable skills:
1. Writing/communicating
2. Researching/information gathering
3. Showing foresight
4. Adapting/improving
5. Helping/being of service
6. Listening
7. Developing rapport
8. Following through on plans/instructions
9. Observing/surveying
10. Imagining
I think the first one is pretty redundant. Of course I would hope to be good at writing, it's what I want to do with my life! But I think overall it's pretty accurate. I realize I'm scarily deadline-oriented. I like to accomplish tasks WAY ahead of the deadline. It just gives me a thrill of excitement to cross off an assignment on my planner. I know, I'm such a nerd, but I just like to work ahead. I also like to be prepared and research things before I get into them. And I like listening to people's stories, helping them in any way I can, and I think I'm pretty good at following through on what I commit myself to do. I feel like I've developed most of these skills at college, because I definitely didn't research Taylor before I came here, and circumstances here have definitely forced me to come out of my shell.
My top people-enrivonments:
1. Artistic
2. Social
3. Enterprising
I like to work in unstructured, flexible environments, using my creative writing ability, and working with all sorts of people. The other people-environments were boring, for math, science and technology people - aka - not me.
My top goals/purposes/values:
1. Entertainment
2. Human Spirit
3. Heart
4. Mind
5. Eyes and Senses
Again, I felt a tinge of shame when everyone else had human spirit/heart as their top, and mine was entertainment. But whatever. So basically I want to bring joy and laughter to people's lives via entertainment; establish more spirituality, faith, compassion, forgiveness and love in the world; inspire greater love for the poor and needy, increase knowledge of truth and God in the world, and create more beautiful things to fill our senses. The other purposes included possessions and the earth, which I realize I don't care much about. I guess living in simplicity and saving the earth aren't my top priorities... but I promise I'm not superficial!
Top special knowledges:
1. Magazine writing
2. Entertainment (movies, music)
3. Travel places
4. Fashion/Beauty
5. Culture
6. Food
I love to travel. My dream job would allow me to travel to every place in the world and write about it. But I've recently realized I like to write and read about fashion and beauty too. There's just so much to learn, but it's all so interesting.
Top working conditions:
1. Laidback/casual atmosphere
2. Good rapport with co-workers
3. Close proximity to where I live
4. Good office space/location
5. Flexible dress code
I think I would also work fine in high-stress environments, as long as I am not intimidated by my bosses, so I can ask questions and make mistakes (but learn from them).
Top factors geography-wise:
1. In a major city
2. Good range of entertainment options
3. Change of seasons
4. Easy accessibility
5. Diverse culture
In other words, goodbye forever, Upland, Indiana.
That's basically it. There's also level of responsibility and salary, but I wasn't too sure about that. Interesting huh. Although... while researching for possible places to stay, I realized all my top choices like NYC, LA, San Francisco, Chicago, Washington DC, were all way above the national average in terms of cost of living. Just my luck. So I've now branched out to Minneapolis, Pittsburgh... basically anywhere that will take me!
Friends and Food
This week was good in terms of spending time with friends (instead of rushing about trying to do everything I need to in 24 hours).
We went to Ivanhoe's (the ice cream place) for senior class on Monday, where we shared about our Flower Diagrams and supported one another. It was so encouraging to hear people affirm my gifts and my direction in life. I also enjoyed learning about others' gifts and talents; I love how we're all so diverse. Some people want to go into non-profit writing, others newspaper writing, international news reporting, sports coaching, PR writing... the possibilities are simply endless.
The entire day Tuesday was spent in the Dining Commons' kitchen cooking for our Asian Wok Night! Affectionately termed 'Super Curry Wok Night,' we slaved away in the kitchen making Japanese, Middle Eastern, and Indian curry for the entire campus. It was incredibly fun though, my very last wok night! The food was delicious, and everyone appreciated a nice change from DC food. I just love serving people. Maybe I should be a waitress instead - my new life goal... Or maybe not.
The rest of the week was spent watching movies with friends while attempting to do homework, having ramen parties, and dance parties. I really can't believe it's the middle of March already. I kind of want time to slow down now that I realize graduation is approaching so speedily.
Interviews
I conducted 7 informational interviews this week with Taylor alumnae, and it was a pretty interesting experience. I actually emailed about 20 Taylor alums, in fields like Broadcast Media, Publishing, and Journalism, and shamelessly asked them if I could interview them about their job and the industry so I could gain insight to what it's really like in the real world before I enter it. And I got about 10 replies, which surprised me; I thought most of them would probably brush me off as an annoying senior hunting for a job. So I'm really grateful they took the time to talk to me.
I got to speak with people who work as publicists in book publishing companies, writers in non-profit organizations, editors in lifestyle magazines, writers in fashion magazines, and all that kind of stuff. It was truly eye-opening, and I received a lot of good advice from them. They told me to get as much experience as I could in writing, research companies before I apply to make sure I know what I'm getting myself into, and do something I'm passionate about, so that it will reflect in my work.
It was really helpful listening to what they had to say about their responsibilities, the people they worked with, and all that. Obviously those who worked for Christian companies had 'easier' experiences, because people were nicer and friendlier, but after interviewing all these people, I think I really do want to go into magazine writing for travel/entertainment/lifestyle/fashion. It just makes me excited thinking about it :)
The Flower - "That one piece of paper"
We're reading this book for Senior Capstone called What Color is Your Parachute 2010 by Richard Bolles, and it's a pretty awesome job-hunting/self-discovery book. We have to complete our Flower Diagram, which basically helps us decide what our life calling is. It took several hours to complete, because it consisted of taking tests and thinking about who I really am and what I really want, but it was well worth it. So here are the results.
My top transferable skills:
1. Writing/communicating
2. Researching/information gathering
3. Showing foresight
4. Adapting/improving
5. Helping/being of service
6. Listening
7. Developing rapport
8. Following through on plans/instructions
9. Observing/surveying
10. Imagining
I think the first one is pretty redundant. Of course I would hope to be good at writing, it's what I want to do with my life! But I think overall it's pretty accurate. I realize I'm scarily deadline-oriented. I like to accomplish tasks WAY ahead of the deadline. It just gives me a thrill of excitement to cross off an assignment on my planner. I know, I'm such a nerd, but I just like to work ahead. I also like to be prepared and research things before I get into them. And I like listening to people's stories, helping them in any way I can, and I think I'm pretty good at following through on what I commit myself to do. I feel like I've developed most of these skills at college, because I definitely didn't research Taylor before I came here, and circumstances here have definitely forced me to come out of my shell.
My top people-enrivonments:
1. Artistic
2. Social
3. Enterprising
I like to work in unstructured, flexible environments, using my creative writing ability, and working with all sorts of people. The other people-environments were boring, for math, science and technology people - aka - not me.
My top goals/purposes/values:
1. Entertainment
2. Human Spirit
3. Heart
4. Mind
5. Eyes and Senses
Again, I felt a tinge of shame when everyone else had human spirit/heart as their top, and mine was entertainment. But whatever. So basically I want to bring joy and laughter to people's lives via entertainment; establish more spirituality, faith, compassion, forgiveness and love in the world; inspire greater love for the poor and needy, increase knowledge of truth and God in the world, and create more beautiful things to fill our senses. The other purposes included possessions and the earth, which I realize I don't care much about. I guess living in simplicity and saving the earth aren't my top priorities... but I promise I'm not superficial!
Top special knowledges:
1. Magazine writing
2. Entertainment (movies, music)
3. Travel places
4. Fashion/Beauty
5. Culture
6. Food
I love to travel. My dream job would allow me to travel to every place in the world and write about it. But I've recently realized I like to write and read about fashion and beauty too. There's just so much to learn, but it's all so interesting.
Top working conditions:
1. Laidback/casual atmosphere
2. Good rapport with co-workers
3. Close proximity to where I live
4. Good office space/location
5. Flexible dress code
I think I would also work fine in high-stress environments, as long as I am not intimidated by my bosses, so I can ask questions and make mistakes (but learn from them).
Top factors geography-wise:
1. In a major city
2. Good range of entertainment options
3. Change of seasons
4. Easy accessibility
5. Diverse culture
In other words, goodbye forever, Upland, Indiana.
That's basically it. There's also level of responsibility and salary, but I wasn't too sure about that. Interesting huh. Although... while researching for possible places to stay, I realized all my top choices like NYC, LA, San Francisco, Chicago, Washington DC, were all way above the national average in terms of cost of living. Just my luck. So I've now branched out to Minneapolis, Pittsburgh... basically anywhere that will take me!
Friends and Food
This week was good in terms of spending time with friends (instead of rushing about trying to do everything I need to in 24 hours).
We went to Ivanhoe's (the ice cream place) for senior class on Monday, where we shared about our Flower Diagrams and supported one another. It was so encouraging to hear people affirm my gifts and my direction in life. I also enjoyed learning about others' gifts and talents; I love how we're all so diverse. Some people want to go into non-profit writing, others newspaper writing, international news reporting, sports coaching, PR writing... the possibilities are simply endless.
The entire day Tuesday was spent in the Dining Commons' kitchen cooking for our Asian Wok Night! Affectionately termed 'Super Curry Wok Night,' we slaved away in the kitchen making Japanese, Middle Eastern, and Indian curry for the entire campus. It was incredibly fun though, my very last wok night! The food was delicious, and everyone appreciated a nice change from DC food. I just love serving people. Maybe I should be a waitress instead - my new life goal... Or maybe not.
The rest of the week was spent watching movies with friends while attempting to do homework, having ramen parties, and dance parties. I really can't believe it's the middle of March already. I kind of want time to slow down now that I realize graduation is approaching so speedily.
Friday, March 05, 2010
Everything I know about myself
Have you ever sat down and pondered for a while about who you really are? What your personality is like? How you treat people? What you hold dear to your heart? Your strengths and flaws? Your likes and dislikes?
I recently compiled a list of ‘Everything I Know About Myself,’ which, looking back is probably untrue, because there’s no way I can pen down every single detail about my complex self. But it was an interesting and beneficial experience to reflect back on my life and figure out what makes me Benita Lee.
So here’s a condensed version of the list, whittled down to the not-so-few I wish to share.
-I believe Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior.
-My family is the most important thing in the world to me.
-I love to meet new people and listen to their life stories.
-I prefer to hang out with small groups of people; too many overwhelms me.
-I love music for its universal appeal and its effect on my emotions.
-I love to strum my guitar and sing random songs to myself.
-I love to travel, visit new places, and immerse myself in new cultures.
-I love to smile and laugh.
-I live to eat.
-I love fall, when the leaves turn yellow and red.
-I love winter, when the first snow falls and blankets the ground.
-I love to try on new beauty products.
-I like to people-watch.
-I am somewhat of a people-pleaser.
-I love all kinds of movies except horror ones.
-I like to dress up, go out, and have fun.
-I enjoy going to the zoo because it makes me feel like a kid again.
-I like to look at beautiful people.
-I like to get things done in advance and plan my day out.
-I love hearing from old friends.
-Writing helps me to process things and gather my thoughts.
-My favorite holidays are Christmas and Chinese New Year.
-I like the feeling of being liked.
-I get along well with different personalities.
-I am committed when I give my word.
-I like doing surveys, and I’m always one of the first to complete them.
-I am organized in my disorganization.
-Stress motivates me to work harder. I let myself freak out for a minute, then I put aside all distractions and focus on the task at hand (I actually learned this from an episode of LOST).
-I need to be more assertive so people don’t take me for granted.
-I like lazy days on the couch in front of the TV.
-I can multi-task very well. I usually watch a movie, do my homework, and read an online magazine all at the same time on my computer.
-It takes me a while to think and process things.
-I like casual, laidback environments.
-I show my love by spending time with people.
-I feel loved when people affirm me with words and spend time with me.
-I appreciate it when people compliment me, but sometimes I don’t know how to react.
-I love sleeping in.
-I am an ISFJ (Introvert, Sensing, Feeling, Judging)
-I value tradition.
-I like to rely on myself to get things done rather than others.
-I am quite happy working alone, without distractions from others.
-I am non-confrontational.
-I don’t like to burden others with my problems.
-I like having a place and a community to belong to.
-I don’t lose my temper easily.
-I love chocolate.
That’s me in a tiny nutshell. You should try this too. It's like self-discovery :)
I recently compiled a list of ‘Everything I Know About Myself,’ which, looking back is probably untrue, because there’s no way I can pen down every single detail about my complex self. But it was an interesting and beneficial experience to reflect back on my life and figure out what makes me Benita Lee.
So here’s a condensed version of the list, whittled down to the not-so-few I wish to share.
-I believe Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior.
-My family is the most important thing in the world to me.
-I love to meet new people and listen to their life stories.
-I prefer to hang out with small groups of people; too many overwhelms me.
-I love music for its universal appeal and its effect on my emotions.
-I love to strum my guitar and sing random songs to myself.
-I love to travel, visit new places, and immerse myself in new cultures.
-I love to smile and laugh.
-I live to eat.
-I love fall, when the leaves turn yellow and red.
-I love winter, when the first snow falls and blankets the ground.
-I love to try on new beauty products.
-I like to people-watch.
-I am somewhat of a people-pleaser.
-I love all kinds of movies except horror ones.
-I like to dress up, go out, and have fun.
-I enjoy going to the zoo because it makes me feel like a kid again.
-I like to look at beautiful people.
-I like to get things done in advance and plan my day out.
-I love hearing from old friends.
-Writing helps me to process things and gather my thoughts.
-My favorite holidays are Christmas and Chinese New Year.
-I like the feeling of being liked.
-I get along well with different personalities.
-I am committed when I give my word.
-I like doing surveys, and I’m always one of the first to complete them.
-I am organized in my disorganization.
-Stress motivates me to work harder. I let myself freak out for a minute, then I put aside all distractions and focus on the task at hand (I actually learned this from an episode of LOST).
-I need to be more assertive so people don’t take me for granted.
-I like lazy days on the couch in front of the TV.
-I can multi-task very well. I usually watch a movie, do my homework, and read an online magazine all at the same time on my computer.
-It takes me a while to think and process things.
-I like casual, laidback environments.
-I show my love by spending time with people.
-I feel loved when people affirm me with words and spend time with me.
-I appreciate it when people compliment me, but sometimes I don’t know how to react.
-I love sleeping in.
-I am an ISFJ (Introvert, Sensing, Feeling, Judging)
-I value tradition.
-I like to rely on myself to get things done rather than others.
-I am quite happy working alone, without distractions from others.
-I am non-confrontational.
-I don’t like to burden others with my problems.
-I like having a place and a community to belong to.
-I don’t lose my temper easily.
-I love chocolate.
That’s me in a tiny nutshell. You should try this too. It's like self-discovery :)
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
What to do with my life
The most commonly asked question now that I'm a senior is,
"so... what do you wanna do after you graduate?", which is just another version of the ever-popular
"so... what do you wanna do with your life?"
But the answer is always the same - I don't know, I have no idea whatsoever, and if anyone has any suggestions, let me know.
Seriously. I've thought about all the things I can do, and there's just endless possibilities and I can't narrow it all down to ONE job. I would love to travel and write, or be a screenwriter for films, or work for a casting agency, or write for an entertainment/fashion magazine... so many things, and I just don't know how to choose! Sometimes I just wish God would write my future in the clouds, spell it out clearly for me to see, and then I could just see it, understand it, and follow, no questions asked.
But this whole doubt, uncertainty, anxiety, fearful thing that I have going on now... not cool. I guess I have mixed feelings about the future. On one hand, it's exciting and wonderful and filled to the brim with all kinds of amazing promises. But on the other hand, it's also paved with intimidating and terrifying possibilities that scare me half to death.
The reason why I'm on this subject is because we were talking about it in Senior Capstone class. We had to prepare for mock interviews, 4 lucky people out of our 13-person class got to be observed by everyone as they got interviewed by the professor pretending to be a potential employer. It was a good learning experience. But anyway, we also got to share our job objectives and what kind of jobs we're looking for after graduation. And just hearing others share... it really made me think. Because everyone was like, 'I'm looking for a job with a non-profit organization, because I want to go into ministry, and help the needy and the poor, and serve Jesus, etc.'
And I don't know why, but that just made me feel like the scum of the earth, simply because I had different intentions and a different path in mind for my life. I feel like God isn't calling me to non-profit, and the only reason I've been looking at non-profit organizations is because I felt like I had to, since everyone else seemed to be doing it. But in reality, I don't want to. As much as I support non-profit organizations and I think it's awesome that people are working for such great causes, I simply don't feel called to it. I want to work for a secular company. A travel, lifestyle, entertainment, fashion, beauty, or food magazine. And somehow that makes me feel extremely guilty, like I should be going into ministry instead of surrounding myself with materialistic, corrupted people.
So that's what I've been struggling with, especially because people here are so... Christian-y. They all want to go into ministry full-time, which is great, but I've come to the conclusion that it's not for me. And the only reason I would go into it is because I've no other choice. I really feel like God has called me to work in a secular publication, but sometimes I just feel so... superficial, like I'm a disappointment to Taylor University just because I'm not using my gifts for God's ministry. I tell people that I would love to work for a magazine like People, and they're like, 'that's so you!' and they give me this look that says, 'but... you're kidding, right? why would you work for a corrupted magazine like that that doesn't promote any good values?' And that hurts, because it makes me feel like people think of me as superficial and materialistic and that's why I would want a job like that.
But I'm not kidding. I mean, if we all shy away from secular publications just because we're scared or we don't wanna mix with those people or we don't wanna waste our gifts on something trivial like entertainment or fashion, then who will be a testimony to those people?? Who will bring light into their lives?? Who will lead them to the truth?? Do they not deserve to know the redemptive love of Christ?? Are they not as worthy to hear the Gospel as poor, undernourished African children dying of AIDS?? I mean, seriously. We need to go out into the marketplace and minister to the people too. They have empty hearts and hungry souls too. They need God too!
So even though I know it will be hard and there will be tons of temptations, after hearing a friend of mine voice the same doubts I had, I was so encouraged, because she had come to accept her calling. And she was okay with people 'looking down' on her just 'cause she wanted to work for a secular company. I really liked what she said about even though she knows there will be lots of temptation to fall into the ways of the world, it is often through our weakness that God builds our strengths. That was so comforting to me, because that was exactly what I was worried about. I know myself, I know how easily influenced I am, and I know I will fall into temptation. But you know what? I also know that God will be there to keep my feet firmly on the ground, pull me out of the darkness when I can't see the light, and make me stronger when I learn from my mistakes and overcome my weaknesses.
So yes. I want to work for a secular entertainment/lifestyle/travel/fashion magazine. That is what I am passionate about, that is what I think God is calling me to, and that is where I believe God will open doors. And I will just have to learn to not be ashamed of that anymore. So call me shallow, call me foolish. Even though what I want to do with my life may seem insignificant, compared to a brave doctor curing diseases in Africa, I believe that God will somehow use my gifts and talents to influence people, touch lives, and bring a change in the world.
"so... what do you wanna do after you graduate?", which is just another version of the ever-popular
"so... what do you wanna do with your life?"
But the answer is always the same - I don't know, I have no idea whatsoever, and if anyone has any suggestions, let me know.
Seriously. I've thought about all the things I can do, and there's just endless possibilities and I can't narrow it all down to ONE job. I would love to travel and write, or be a screenwriter for films, or work for a casting agency, or write for an entertainment/fashion magazine... so many things, and I just don't know how to choose! Sometimes I just wish God would write my future in the clouds, spell it out clearly for me to see, and then I could just see it, understand it, and follow, no questions asked.
But this whole doubt, uncertainty, anxiety, fearful thing that I have going on now... not cool. I guess I have mixed feelings about the future. On one hand, it's exciting and wonderful and filled to the brim with all kinds of amazing promises. But on the other hand, it's also paved with intimidating and terrifying possibilities that scare me half to death.
The reason why I'm on this subject is because we were talking about it in Senior Capstone class. We had to prepare for mock interviews, 4 lucky people out of our 13-person class got to be observed by everyone as they got interviewed by the professor pretending to be a potential employer. It was a good learning experience. But anyway, we also got to share our job objectives and what kind of jobs we're looking for after graduation. And just hearing others share... it really made me think. Because everyone was like, 'I'm looking for a job with a non-profit organization, because I want to go into ministry, and help the needy and the poor, and serve Jesus, etc.'
And I don't know why, but that just made me feel like the scum of the earth, simply because I had different intentions and a different path in mind for my life. I feel like God isn't calling me to non-profit, and the only reason I've been looking at non-profit organizations is because I felt like I had to, since everyone else seemed to be doing it. But in reality, I don't want to. As much as I support non-profit organizations and I think it's awesome that people are working for such great causes, I simply don't feel called to it. I want to work for a secular company. A travel, lifestyle, entertainment, fashion, beauty, or food magazine. And somehow that makes me feel extremely guilty, like I should be going into ministry instead of surrounding myself with materialistic, corrupted people.
So that's what I've been struggling with, especially because people here are so... Christian-y. They all want to go into ministry full-time, which is great, but I've come to the conclusion that it's not for me. And the only reason I would go into it is because I've no other choice. I really feel like God has called me to work in a secular publication, but sometimes I just feel so... superficial, like I'm a disappointment to Taylor University just because I'm not using my gifts for God's ministry. I tell people that I would love to work for a magazine like People, and they're like, 'that's so you!' and they give me this look that says, 'but... you're kidding, right? why would you work for a corrupted magazine like that that doesn't promote any good values?' And that hurts, because it makes me feel like people think of me as superficial and materialistic and that's why I would want a job like that.
But I'm not kidding. I mean, if we all shy away from secular publications just because we're scared or we don't wanna mix with those people or we don't wanna waste our gifts on something trivial like entertainment or fashion, then who will be a testimony to those people?? Who will bring light into their lives?? Who will lead them to the truth?? Do they not deserve to know the redemptive love of Christ?? Are they not as worthy to hear the Gospel as poor, undernourished African children dying of AIDS?? I mean, seriously. We need to go out into the marketplace and minister to the people too. They have empty hearts and hungry souls too. They need God too!
So even though I know it will be hard and there will be tons of temptations, after hearing a friend of mine voice the same doubts I had, I was so encouraged, because she had come to accept her calling. And she was okay with people 'looking down' on her just 'cause she wanted to work for a secular company. I really liked what she said about even though she knows there will be lots of temptation to fall into the ways of the world, it is often through our weakness that God builds our strengths. That was so comforting to me, because that was exactly what I was worried about. I know myself, I know how easily influenced I am, and I know I will fall into temptation. But you know what? I also know that God will be there to keep my feet firmly on the ground, pull me out of the darkness when I can't see the light, and make me stronger when I learn from my mistakes and overcome my weaknesses.
So yes. I want to work for a secular entertainment/lifestyle/travel/fashion magazine. That is what I am passionate about, that is what I think God is calling me to, and that is where I believe God will open doors. And I will just have to learn to not be ashamed of that anymore. So call me shallow, call me foolish. Even though what I want to do with my life may seem insignificant, compared to a brave doctor curing diseases in Africa, I believe that God will somehow use my gifts and talents to influence people, touch lives, and bring a change in the world.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
I am a backpack
We had to think of a metaphor for class that described our lives at this point in time, and i thought that was really interesting. some people had funny descriptions, like a puzzle, dolphin, sponge, beard, ocean, car, iceberg, piano....
So here's mine :)
I am a backpack because I’m a laidback and easygoing person, and I rarely get flustered or bothered over things. I’m pretty stable and reliable, and I am responsible in keeping my word and doing what I set out to do. Sometimes I help carry others’ burdens in my effort to lighten theirs’, and I end up carrying more than I can handle because it’s hard for me to say no to others when they need help.
I am a backpack because I’m usually zipped shut and closed up, and it’s not easy for me to be outspoken about my inner thoughts and feelings, unless I’m with close friends. Sometimes I’m afraid that people will judge me or reject me if I open up and let myself be vulnerable, but I know it's not healthy to keep things bottled up, so most of the time I unload to close friends or family.
I am a backpack because God is my ‘owner’ and He guides me to the path where He wants me to be. Although I have no idea what my future looks like, He knows where He’s leading me to, and He has my best interest at heart. He carries me through the highs and lows of life, and when my burden becomes too heavy, He unloads some of it and only takes the essentials.
I am a backpack because backpacks have lots of different designs and colors. My backpack has many pockets with varying depths, because there are facets of my personality and life that go deeper than the surface. There is a mix of different pastel colors to portray my neutral and easygoing nature, and to show that I’m not one who yearns to be in the spotlight. There would also be several
patches and holes where I’ve made mistakes and been broken and learned from them.
I am a backpack because I enjoy being that source of encouragement and support for others, and I like being able to help others with their problems. But sometimes I take on more than what I can handle, and I end up lugging this huge weight on my own strength, without realizing I can actually ask for help. I also tend to carry things I shouldn’t, like fears of the unknown, of failure and of rejection, and past experiences I haven’t been able to let go. Most of the time it ends up being God, my family, or close friends who set me down and unload some of my burdens with advice, encouragement and prayer, so that I can continue on my journey toward the destination that God has planned out for me.
So that's me. What are you?
So here's mine :)
I am a backpack because I’m a laidback and easygoing person, and I rarely get flustered or bothered over things. I’m pretty stable and reliable, and I am responsible in keeping my word and doing what I set out to do. Sometimes I help carry others’ burdens in my effort to lighten theirs’, and I end up carrying more than I can handle because it’s hard for me to say no to others when they need help.
I am a backpack because I’m usually zipped shut and closed up, and it’s not easy for me to be outspoken about my inner thoughts and feelings, unless I’m with close friends. Sometimes I’m afraid that people will judge me or reject me if I open up and let myself be vulnerable, but I know it's not healthy to keep things bottled up, so most of the time I unload to close friends or family.
I am a backpack because God is my ‘owner’ and He guides me to the path where He wants me to be. Although I have no idea what my future looks like, He knows where He’s leading me to, and He has my best interest at heart. He carries me through the highs and lows of life, and when my burden becomes too heavy, He unloads some of it and only takes the essentials.
I am a backpack because backpacks have lots of different designs and colors. My backpack has many pockets with varying depths, because there are facets of my personality and life that go deeper than the surface. There is a mix of different pastel colors to portray my neutral and easygoing nature, and to show that I’m not one who yearns to be in the spotlight. There would also be several
patches and holes where I’ve made mistakes and been broken and learned from them.
I am a backpack because I enjoy being that source of encouragement and support for others, and I like being able to help others with their problems. But sometimes I take on more than what I can handle, and I end up lugging this huge weight on my own strength, without realizing I can actually ask for help. I also tend to carry things I shouldn’t, like fears of the unknown, of failure and of rejection, and past experiences I haven’t been able to let go. Most of the time it ends up being God, my family, or close friends who set me down and unload some of my burdens with advice, encouragement and prayer, so that I can continue on my journey toward the destination that God has planned out for me.
So that's me. What are you?
Saturday, June 06, 2009
Across the earth: Hillsong united in concert
.Prelude.
It was time. Fighting against the relentless torrent of rain and wind threatening to soak us, we splashed across puddles and headed toward Rosemont Ballroom, the scene of an emotional experience to come. We walked and walked... for what seemed like 15 minutes, and finally reached the end of the line, behind hundreds of people. Nervousness welled in the pit of my stomach, and i wondered if we'd be able to even catch a glimpse of the band, being so far behind the crowd.
The clock slowly ticked on. An hour passed; it was 8 and we were still waiting in line. Impatience and restlessness surged through my veins. Finally the line moved. We made it through security and went up to the balcony, where we snagged places at the railing, ensuring ourselves a completely unobstructed view of the concert. I marveled at the throngs of people below us, realizing this was the first time I was attending a Christian concert. Being used to rowdy, boisterous crowds at rock pop concerts, these people seemed relatively tame and.... actually friendly in comparison. No 'F' words were uttered, no uncontrollable mosh pits, just people patiently waiting around. Shocking.
.A Whirlwind of Mixed Emotions.
The lights dimmed, and the crowd gave out a roar of excitement. A tingle went down my spine as I waited in anticipation for the band to appear and kick off the concert. At the same time, a sliver of apprehension abruptly seized me.
What on earth was I doing at a Christian concert when I wasn't doing so well in my walk with God? I guess 'not doing well' is an understatement. More like where was my non-existent relationship with Jesus.
I had pushed Jesus to the back of my mind, right between algebra and the periodic table, where dust and cobwebs had set up shop. So it made no sense that i'd want to attend this concert/huge worship session with other Christians. But everything happens for a reason. Before I could probe further into it, the band bounced on stage, and everything else after that was a blur.
As the first note struck the air, I suddenly felt a tinge of discomfort, like I didn't deserve to be there, praising the same God as all these other Jesus-loving, righteous people. But I brushed the feeling away, determined not to waste my 47bucks.
.#1 Fan.
I had always loved the songs Hillsong United produced, not only for their catchy tunes, but mostly for their meaningful lyrics, most of which have been tremendously encouraging during low points of my spiritual walk. And they definitely did not disappoint.
I was particularly enamored with Brooke Fraser, singer of songs like 'Hosanna,' 'Lord of Lords,' 'None but Jesus' and 'Desert Song,' all my absolute favorites. Countless times I listened to those songs and found myself tearing up as I remembered God's faithfulness and love in my life.
.The Word came to Life.
After several songs, a guy took over the stage and delivered a short sermon. At first I was like, I didn't sign up to be preached at. What is this guy doing on stage? But then every word he spoke was like a dagger piercing deep into my heart.
"There are some of you in the crowd today.. you don't know why you're here. Maybe you've been a Christian your entire life, but now you're just so far away from God, and you're hardened to Him. You might be here in New York, running away from something... You might think God doesn't, couldn't love you, for all the things you've done..."
Warm tears swelled up in my eyes. I rapidly blinked them away, hoping no one noticed. But after a quick glance around, I realized no one was paying attention to anyone else. They were all caught up in their own conversation with God. I decided to do the same.
Oh Lord... I don't know what to say to you. How can You want me back when I've fallen so far? How could you still love me after all the things I've done? I knew it was wrong, and yet I still did it. I put the things of the world above You. And now I'm in NYC, running away from You and hiding from everyone at home because I didn't want to be held accountable for anything. I just wanted to live my life the way I wanted to. I didn't even think I deserved Your grace... How could You love someone like me?
And then the opening lines of 'All i need is You' resounded in the concert hall.
... Got every reason to be here again, Father's love that draws me in, all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You...
I realized there was a reason I 'randomly' chanced upon the Hillsong concert in New York, and there was a reason I got tickets right before it got sold out. Jesus was behind it all. and He wanted me back.
.Jesus has *poked* you.
Brook Fraser gave an analogy about the silversmith, who heats up metal and then removes the impurities that rise to the surface. In the same way, God lets us go through trials and struggles and low points in life, so that all our negative elements come to the surface, and He can skim it off until He finally sees His reflection in our faces. Then she sang 'Desert Song,' and it totally melted my heart.
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flames
All of my life, in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
Tears again. I totally feel like I'm in the desert. But you know what? My God is a God who provides. And my faith is definitely worth more than any clubbing experience in the world. And in every season, in every struggle and weakness, He's still God. It was a simple but powerful revelation. I guess He still loves me... despite all my yuckiness. It felt like a mini-breakthrough. Not completely out of the desert yet, but one step closer.
The worship leader (have no idea who any of them are. i loved how they put the total emphasis on God and not themselves. they never even introduced their names, the lights on stage were always from behind, so all we could see was their figures and not their faces. so we weren't worshipping them but God.) talked about how NYC would be nothing without its people. People are what make the character of the city.
and you know what? I would be nothing without my people. my family and spiritual family to be my support in times of need. and I would be nothing without my God.
So I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
.What a Night.
To end the night off, what more appropriate song than 'Your name high' (whoaaaa ohhh) and 'One Way?' It was immensely profound, watching everyone put aside their differences and worship one God. Seeing them jump and dance and clap and lift their hands in praise, I was struck by the fact that this was my first time feeling so comfortable and at peace worshipping God in the US.
Maybe it was the dim lights, maybe it was everyone doing their own thing and not looking at others, maybe it was the use of contemporary songs instead of hymns, or maybe it simply the fact that i was beginning to find my way back to the cross.
I was also struck by the fact that usually at secular concerts, everyone's having a good time idolizing the band and lapping up their songs and everything they say. But here, it was undoubtedly all about the Man upstairs.
So that was my experience. (I'm trying out a new thing called 'openness and honesty.')
Anyway, here's photo documentation.
The multitudes of people - young, old, white, asian, hispanic... all praising Jesus. What a glorious sight.
Me and Liz. She goes to Taylor too and lives in NYC (so lucky!)
Brooke Fraser, my new favorite gorgeous singer.
After the concert, we just about lost our voices and our hearing.
Walking around Times Sqaure on a Friday night was so fascinating. I LOVE IT. although this picture doesn't do it justice.
It was time. Fighting against the relentless torrent of rain and wind threatening to soak us, we splashed across puddles and headed toward Rosemont Ballroom, the scene of an emotional experience to come. We walked and walked... for what seemed like 15 minutes, and finally reached the end of the line, behind hundreds of people. Nervousness welled in the pit of my stomach, and i wondered if we'd be able to even catch a glimpse of the band, being so far behind the crowd.
The clock slowly ticked on. An hour passed; it was 8 and we were still waiting in line. Impatience and restlessness surged through my veins. Finally the line moved. We made it through security and went up to the balcony, where we snagged places at the railing, ensuring ourselves a completely unobstructed view of the concert. I marveled at the throngs of people below us, realizing this was the first time I was attending a Christian concert. Being used to rowdy, boisterous crowds at rock pop concerts, these people seemed relatively tame and.... actually friendly in comparison. No 'F' words were uttered, no uncontrollable mosh pits, just people patiently waiting around. Shocking.
.A Whirlwind of Mixed Emotions.
The lights dimmed, and the crowd gave out a roar of excitement. A tingle went down my spine as I waited in anticipation for the band to appear and kick off the concert. At the same time, a sliver of apprehension abruptly seized me.
What on earth was I doing at a Christian concert when I wasn't doing so well in my walk with God? I guess 'not doing well' is an understatement. More like where was my non-existent relationship with Jesus.
I had pushed Jesus to the back of my mind, right between algebra and the periodic table, where dust and cobwebs had set up shop. So it made no sense that i'd want to attend this concert/huge worship session with other Christians. But everything happens for a reason. Before I could probe further into it, the band bounced on stage, and everything else after that was a blur.
As the first note struck the air, I suddenly felt a tinge of discomfort, like I didn't deserve to be there, praising the same God as all these other Jesus-loving, righteous people. But I brushed the feeling away, determined not to waste my 47bucks.
.#1 Fan.
I had always loved the songs Hillsong United produced, not only for their catchy tunes, but mostly for their meaningful lyrics, most of which have been tremendously encouraging during low points of my spiritual walk. And they definitely did not disappoint.
I was particularly enamored with Brooke Fraser, singer of songs like 'Hosanna,' 'Lord of Lords,' 'None but Jesus' and 'Desert Song,' all my absolute favorites. Countless times I listened to those songs and found myself tearing up as I remembered God's faithfulness and love in my life.
.The Word came to Life.
After several songs, a guy took over the stage and delivered a short sermon. At first I was like, I didn't sign up to be preached at. What is this guy doing on stage? But then every word he spoke was like a dagger piercing deep into my heart.
"There are some of you in the crowd today.. you don't know why you're here. Maybe you've been a Christian your entire life, but now you're just so far away from God, and you're hardened to Him. You might be here in New York, running away from something... You might think God doesn't, couldn't love you, for all the things you've done..."
Warm tears swelled up in my eyes. I rapidly blinked them away, hoping no one noticed. But after a quick glance around, I realized no one was paying attention to anyone else. They were all caught up in their own conversation with God. I decided to do the same.
Oh Lord... I don't know what to say to you. How can You want me back when I've fallen so far? How could you still love me after all the things I've done? I knew it was wrong, and yet I still did it. I put the things of the world above You. And now I'm in NYC, running away from You and hiding from everyone at home because I didn't want to be held accountable for anything. I just wanted to live my life the way I wanted to. I didn't even think I deserved Your grace... How could You love someone like me?
And then the opening lines of 'All i need is You' resounded in the concert hall.
... Got every reason to be here again, Father's love that draws me in, all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You...
I realized there was a reason I 'randomly' chanced upon the Hillsong concert in New York, and there was a reason I got tickets right before it got sold out. Jesus was behind it all. and He wanted me back.
.Jesus has *poked* you.
Brook Fraser gave an analogy about the silversmith, who heats up metal and then removes the impurities that rise to the surface. In the same way, God lets us go through trials and struggles and low points in life, so that all our negative elements come to the surface, and He can skim it off until He finally sees His reflection in our faces. Then she sang 'Desert Song,' and it totally melted my heart.
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flames
All of my life, in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
Tears again. I totally feel like I'm in the desert. But you know what? My God is a God who provides. And my faith is definitely worth more than any clubbing experience in the world. And in every season, in every struggle and weakness, He's still God. It was a simple but powerful revelation. I guess He still loves me... despite all my yuckiness. It felt like a mini-breakthrough. Not completely out of the desert yet, but one step closer.
The worship leader (have no idea who any of them are. i loved how they put the total emphasis on God and not themselves. they never even introduced their names, the lights on stage were always from behind, so all we could see was their figures and not their faces. so we weren't worshipping them but God.) talked about how NYC would be nothing without its people. People are what make the character of the city.
and you know what? I would be nothing without my people. my family and spiritual family to be my support in times of need. and I would be nothing without my God.
So I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
.What a Night.
To end the night off, what more appropriate song than 'Your name high' (whoaaaa ohhh) and 'One Way?' It was immensely profound, watching everyone put aside their differences and worship one God. Seeing them jump and dance and clap and lift their hands in praise, I was struck by the fact that this was my first time feeling so comfortable and at peace worshipping God in the US.
Maybe it was the dim lights, maybe it was everyone doing their own thing and not looking at others, maybe it was the use of contemporary songs instead of hymns, or maybe it simply the fact that i was beginning to find my way back to the cross.
I was also struck by the fact that usually at secular concerts, everyone's having a good time idolizing the band and lapping up their songs and everything they say. But here, it was undoubtedly all about the Man upstairs.
So that was my experience. (I'm trying out a new thing called 'openness and honesty.')
Anyway, here's photo documentation.
The multitudes of people - young, old, white, asian, hispanic... all praising Jesus. What a glorious sight.
Me and Liz. She goes to Taylor too and lives in NYC (so lucky!)
Brooke Fraser, my new favorite gorgeous singer.
After the concert, we just about lost our voices and our hearing.
Walking around Times Sqaure on a Friday night was so fascinating. I LOVE IT. although this picture doesn't do it justice.
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