The most commonly asked question now that I'm a senior is,
"so... what do you wanna do after you graduate?", which is just another version of the ever-popular
"so... what do you wanna do with your life?"
But the answer is always the same - I don't know, I have no idea whatsoever, and if anyone has any suggestions, let me know.
Seriously. I've thought about all the things I can do, and there's just endless possibilities and I can't narrow it all down to ONE job. I would love to travel and write, or be a screenwriter for films, or work for a casting agency, or write for an entertainment/fashion magazine... so many things, and I just don't know how to choose! Sometimes I just wish God would write my future in the clouds, spell it out clearly for me to see, and then I could just see it, understand it, and follow, no questions asked.
But this whole doubt, uncertainty, anxiety, fearful thing that I have going on now... not cool. I guess I have mixed feelings about the future. On one hand, it's exciting and wonderful and filled to the brim with all kinds of amazing promises. But on the other hand, it's also paved with intimidating and terrifying possibilities that scare me half to death.
The reason why I'm on this subject is because we were talking about it in Senior Capstone class. We had to prepare for mock interviews, 4 lucky people out of our 13-person class got to be observed by everyone as they got interviewed by the professor pretending to be a potential employer. It was a good learning experience. But anyway, we also got to share our job objectives and what kind of jobs we're looking for after graduation. And just hearing others share... it really made me think. Because everyone was like, 'I'm looking for a job with a non-profit organization, because I want to go into ministry, and help the needy and the poor, and serve Jesus, etc.'
And I don't know why, but that just made me feel like the scum of the earth, simply because I had different intentions and a different path in mind for my life. I feel like God isn't calling me to non-profit, and the only reason I've been looking at non-profit organizations is because I felt like I had to, since everyone else seemed to be doing it. But in reality, I don't want to. As much as I support non-profit organizations and I think it's awesome that people are working for such great causes, I simply don't feel called to it. I want to work for a secular company. A travel, lifestyle, entertainment, fashion, beauty, or food magazine. And somehow that makes me feel extremely guilty, like I should be going into ministry instead of surrounding myself with materialistic, corrupted people.
So that's what I've been struggling with, especially because people here are so... Christian-y. They all want to go into ministry full-time, which is great, but I've come to the conclusion that it's not for me. And the only reason I would go into it is because I've no other choice. I really feel like God has called me to work in a secular publication, but sometimes I just feel so... superficial, like I'm a disappointment to Taylor University just because I'm not using my gifts for God's ministry. I tell people that I would love to work for a magazine like People, and they're like, 'that's so you!' and they give me this look that says, 'but... you're kidding, right? why would you work for a corrupted magazine like that that doesn't promote any good values?' And that hurts, because it makes me feel like people think of me as superficial and materialistic and that's why I would want a job like that.
But I'm not kidding. I mean, if we all shy away from secular publications just because we're scared or we don't wanna mix with those people or we don't wanna waste our gifts on something trivial like entertainment or fashion, then who will be a testimony to those people?? Who will bring light into their lives?? Who will lead them to the truth?? Do they not deserve to know the redemptive love of Christ?? Are they not as worthy to hear the Gospel as poor, undernourished African children dying of AIDS?? I mean, seriously. We need to go out into the marketplace and minister to the people too. They have empty hearts and hungry souls too. They need God too!
So even though I know it will be hard and there will be tons of temptations, after hearing a friend of mine voice the same doubts I had, I was so encouraged, because she had come to accept her calling. And she was okay with people 'looking down' on her just 'cause she wanted to work for a secular company. I really liked what she said about even though she knows there will be lots of temptation to fall into the ways of the world, it is often through our weakness that God builds our strengths. That was so comforting to me, because that was exactly what I was worried about. I know myself, I know how easily influenced I am, and I know I will fall into temptation. But you know what? I also know that God will be there to keep my feet firmly on the ground, pull me out of the darkness when I can't see the light, and make me stronger when I learn from my mistakes and overcome my weaknesses.
So yes. I want to work for a secular entertainment/lifestyle/travel/fashion magazine. That is what I am passionate about, that is what I think God is calling me to, and that is where I believe God will open doors. And I will just have to learn to not be ashamed of that anymore. So call me shallow, call me foolish. Even though what I want to do with my life may seem insignificant, compared to a brave doctor curing diseases in Africa, I believe that God will somehow use my gifts and talents to influence people, touch lives, and bring a change in the world.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Time flies... not really
It's only the 3rd week of school. I WANT TIME TO GO BY FASTER!!! so SPRING BREAK can come in end March, and i can go to HONOLULU, HAWAII with Cartoon!!!! Super duper excited. Never been to Hawaii before, but ALWAYS wanted to go!!! i think it'll be insanely fun. plus we're staying with her friend in her dorm. one word = college parties!!! haha. in any case, whatever we do, i don't care, because i'll be in hawaii, not indiana!!! one more month to go!!
So anyway, when i was in the bathroom stall, i read this flyer (they always put things to read on bathroom doors) that someone wrote about taking time to rest and enjoying the present instead of rushing into the next thing all the time. And i guess i'm kind of like that. I always look forward to the next thing that's coming up, and sometimes i forget to just relax and make the most of the present. So... that's my goal for the rest of the semester - to enjoy it to the fullest because i'll never be a college senior again. :)
Last week was filled with Chinese New Year activities, kind of. MESA, the Multi Ethnic Student Association, threw a CNY party, but it was kind of lame and not very CNY-ish at all, because the people who organized it weren't even asians. haha. and the food consisted of chocolate fondue, chips and salsa. seemed more mexican than anything.
But on Friday we got a bunch of people and went to the chinese church (i've never been there before) because they organized a CNY dinner for college students. so sweet of them!! i felt a little weird hearing everyone speak Chinese, and not understanding some of it. haha. also felt nervous whenever someone tried to speak to me in Chinese, because they're all from China and they have a different accent, and besides, my Chinese is more like broken Chinese + bits of English. so i tried to avoid speaking Chinese at all costs. haha.
but the FOOD... ohhhhh... just thinking of it makes me hungry. was SO GOOD. we practically stuffed ourselves with dumplings, rice, noodles, veggies (that were actually cooked well, and not soggy like the ones Taylor makes), tofu, meat.... seriously, no one could move after the meal. we just sat there in silence, wishing we could eat more. haha.
Saturday me, sungah and ruben volunteered to be ushers for the play, and we had to wear a white shirt and black dress pants/skirt, and i realized i had none of those. haha. so i borrowed them. anw, ushering was fun, i got to greet people and tear their tickets. there were two entrances, and i was at the further, lesser-known one, and so the manager said to expect only about 10 people to come through our doors. but in the end we had 27! (yes we kept count 'cause we were bored. haha)
But other than that, the play was kind of boring. it was called Hippolytus, and it was about some Greek tragedy where this woman is in love with her stepson, but he refuses her advances, and so she selfishly kills herself. She leaves a note for her husband, who thinks his son betrayed him by having an affair with his wife, and curses him in the name of the gods. so then his son dies, but before that he tells his father he never betrayed him. so in the end, everyone dies except the father, who is now guilty for life. so depressing, huh.
Sunday it was Korean church again, because i missed good asian food. haha. they had their own CNY celebration, complete with a Family Singing Competition!!! it was the cutest little thing EVER! all these families and their cute little korean babies got up to sing songs, some had hand motions, some played instruments... they were all so enthusiastic about it!! Taylor participated too (but not me 'cause i don't know korean. haha), singing 'Shout to the Lord,' and we won 3rd prize! so we got a $30 voucher for Walmart and bought pizzas and drinks for a party over dinner. haha.
This week was pretty relaxing... now especially that I have Tuesdays and Thursdays off, and only class on Mon, Wed and Fri, it's so nice to sleep in every other day. haha. Oh and Thursday was Nostalgia Night!! My very last musical Taylor event!! :(
It was pretty awesome. there were 12 performances, and the last few were pretty much the best. i think they were 'Love Shack,' 'September,' and... i don't remember. haha. OH and the commercials were pretty awesome too.
This was one of the best. You should see the video 'I'm on a boat' before you see this, 'cause it's a Taylor parody of that video. haha.
this video's about Taylor's dating tradition of 'Walking the Loop' (which is basically the pavement that goes around the edges of campus) and having a DTR talk (which is talking about where the couple stands with each other and deciding if they want to go into a relationship together). They did the music and everything by themselves, pretty cool huh. it's all everyone can talk about.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8q3GNpm1x4
Ok actually, on second thought, the video is full of Taylor inside jokes. so i guess other people won't get it. haha. but it's still cool :)
So anyway, when i was in the bathroom stall, i read this flyer (they always put things to read on bathroom doors) that someone wrote about taking time to rest and enjoying the present instead of rushing into the next thing all the time. And i guess i'm kind of like that. I always look forward to the next thing that's coming up, and sometimes i forget to just relax and make the most of the present. So... that's my goal for the rest of the semester - to enjoy it to the fullest because i'll never be a college senior again. :)
Last week was filled with Chinese New Year activities, kind of. MESA, the Multi Ethnic Student Association, threw a CNY party, but it was kind of lame and not very CNY-ish at all, because the people who organized it weren't even asians. haha. and the food consisted of chocolate fondue, chips and salsa. seemed more mexican than anything.
But on Friday we got a bunch of people and went to the chinese church (i've never been there before) because they organized a CNY dinner for college students. so sweet of them!! i felt a little weird hearing everyone speak Chinese, and not understanding some of it. haha. also felt nervous whenever someone tried to speak to me in Chinese, because they're all from China and they have a different accent, and besides, my Chinese is more like broken Chinese + bits of English. so i tried to avoid speaking Chinese at all costs. haha.
but the FOOD... ohhhhh... just thinking of it makes me hungry. was SO GOOD. we practically stuffed ourselves with dumplings, rice, noodles, veggies (that were actually cooked well, and not soggy like the ones Taylor makes), tofu, meat.... seriously, no one could move after the meal. we just sat there in silence, wishing we could eat more. haha.
Saturday me, sungah and ruben volunteered to be ushers for the play, and we had to wear a white shirt and black dress pants/skirt, and i realized i had none of those. haha. so i borrowed them. anw, ushering was fun, i got to greet people and tear their tickets. there were two entrances, and i was at the further, lesser-known one, and so the manager said to expect only about 10 people to come through our doors. but in the end we had 27! (yes we kept count 'cause we were bored. haha)
But other than that, the play was kind of boring. it was called Hippolytus, and it was about some Greek tragedy where this woman is in love with her stepson, but he refuses her advances, and so she selfishly kills herself. She leaves a note for her husband, who thinks his son betrayed him by having an affair with his wife, and curses him in the name of the gods. so then his son dies, but before that he tells his father he never betrayed him. so in the end, everyone dies except the father, who is now guilty for life. so depressing, huh.
Sunday it was Korean church again, because i missed good asian food. haha. they had their own CNY celebration, complete with a Family Singing Competition!!! it was the cutest little thing EVER! all these families and their cute little korean babies got up to sing songs, some had hand motions, some played instruments... they were all so enthusiastic about it!! Taylor participated too (but not me 'cause i don't know korean. haha), singing 'Shout to the Lord,' and we won 3rd prize! so we got a $30 voucher for Walmart and bought pizzas and drinks for a party over dinner. haha.
This week was pretty relaxing... now especially that I have Tuesdays and Thursdays off, and only class on Mon, Wed and Fri, it's so nice to sleep in every other day. haha. Oh and Thursday was Nostalgia Night!! My very last musical Taylor event!! :(
It was pretty awesome. there were 12 performances, and the last few were pretty much the best. i think they were 'Love Shack,' 'September,' and... i don't remember. haha. OH and the commercials were pretty awesome too.
This was one of the best. You should see the video 'I'm on a boat' before you see this, 'cause it's a Taylor parody of that video. haha.
this video's about Taylor's dating tradition of 'Walking the Loop' (which is basically the pavement that goes around the edges of campus) and having a DTR talk (which is talking about where the couple stands with each other and deciding if they want to go into a relationship together). They did the music and everything by themselves, pretty cool huh. it's all everyone can talk about.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8q3GNpm1x4
Ok actually, on second thought, the video is full of Taylor inside jokes. so i guess other people won't get it. haha. but it's still cool :)
Thursday, February 11, 2010
For the love of snow
Can I just say how much I LOVE SNOW????
I love everything about it. Except maybe the freezing cold.
Taylor is like a winter wonderland right now. Pure blankets of snow cover the grass, and combined with the old school lamps and christmas trees all over the sidewalk, it truly feels like i've stepped out of the wardrobe and into the magical world of Narnia. no kidding. i keep waiting for a talking beaver or fawn to pop up in front of me. haha.
In all seriousness though, snow is about the prettiest thing I have ever seen. we got about 8 inches of snow this week... snow has been piling up high everywhere. and when the wind blows, the snow flutters around like sand in the desert. it's bitterly cold and dangerously slippery ('cause the snow hardens and becomes ice on the pavement), and i've seen way too many people fall flat on their face, but still... there's just something about the snow that takes my breath away everytime i step outside. i just want to lay on the snow and snuggle up 'cause it looks so comfy. haha. or eat it 'cause it looks like cotton candy.
and it's funny to see people sliding instead of walking, because seriously the entire pavement is covered with ice. so people slide around since its supposedly easier than walking. but i can't bring myself to do that. i just feel like i would fall. and everytime i see/hear someone slide, my heart stops for a second because i think they're falling, but they're actually happily gliding along. it's really quite nerve-wrecking. haha.
And the other day, i saw a SNOWFLAKE for the VERY FIRST TIME! up close! i looked down at my coat, which was covered in snow, and realized that those tiny white dots were not just boring little circles, they were amazingly beautiful and delicately crafted SNOWFLAKES! kind of like this one in the picture.
And they ALL were of different patterns. it was the most beautiful thing in the world. i can't believe i never realized this until now. and so i am now obsessed with looking at snowflakes on my clothes. hahaha.
So... on to non-snow related things.
I watched 'Dear John' last weekend, the highly-anticipated (among girls, for obvious reasons. cough. channing tatum. cough.) romantic movie adapted from Nicholas Sparks' novel, and it was SUCH a letdown. i forgot how stupid the ending was in the book, and they actually kept it in the movie. and on the whole it was just unimpressive. the pacing was horribly slow, there wasn't much chemistry between the two, and the plot was just boring. kind of disappointing.
Also, the Superbowl was last Sunday, and it was the Indianapolis Colts versus the New Orleans Saints, and we lost. we meaning the Colts, since i'm in Indiana. people were tremendously upset. i think Americans in general take football WAY too seriously. it's just a game, life goes on.
I was reading a book for a philosophy class - Contemporary Christian Belief - and the author was saying something about how we all hunger for drama in our lives, and we all want to be happy. So we try to find happiness in material goods, sports, etc, and we put all our time and effort and energy into these things, but the happiness they bring is only short-lasting, for genuine happiness only comes from Christ. so true :)
I love everything about it. Except maybe the freezing cold.
Taylor is like a winter wonderland right now. Pure blankets of snow cover the grass, and combined with the old school lamps and christmas trees all over the sidewalk, it truly feels like i've stepped out of the wardrobe and into the magical world of Narnia. no kidding. i keep waiting for a talking beaver or fawn to pop up in front of me. haha.
In all seriousness though, snow is about the prettiest thing I have ever seen. we got about 8 inches of snow this week... snow has been piling up high everywhere. and when the wind blows, the snow flutters around like sand in the desert. it's bitterly cold and dangerously slippery ('cause the snow hardens and becomes ice on the pavement), and i've seen way too many people fall flat on their face, but still... there's just something about the snow that takes my breath away everytime i step outside. i just want to lay on the snow and snuggle up 'cause it looks so comfy. haha. or eat it 'cause it looks like cotton candy.
and it's funny to see people sliding instead of walking, because seriously the entire pavement is covered with ice. so people slide around since its supposedly easier than walking. but i can't bring myself to do that. i just feel like i would fall. and everytime i see/hear someone slide, my heart stops for a second because i think they're falling, but they're actually happily gliding along. it's really quite nerve-wrecking. haha.
And the other day, i saw a SNOWFLAKE for the VERY FIRST TIME! up close! i looked down at my coat, which was covered in snow, and realized that those tiny white dots were not just boring little circles, they were amazingly beautiful and delicately crafted SNOWFLAKES! kind of like this one in the picture.
And they ALL were of different patterns. it was the most beautiful thing in the world. i can't believe i never realized this until now. and so i am now obsessed with looking at snowflakes on my clothes. hahaha.
So... on to non-snow related things.
I watched 'Dear John' last weekend, the highly-anticipated (among girls, for obvious reasons. cough. channing tatum. cough.) romantic movie adapted from Nicholas Sparks' novel, and it was SUCH a letdown. i forgot how stupid the ending was in the book, and they actually kept it in the movie. and on the whole it was just unimpressive. the pacing was horribly slow, there wasn't much chemistry between the two, and the plot was just boring. kind of disappointing.
Also, the Superbowl was last Sunday, and it was the Indianapolis Colts versus the New Orleans Saints, and we lost. we meaning the Colts, since i'm in Indiana. people were tremendously upset. i think Americans in general take football WAY too seriously. it's just a game, life goes on.
I was reading a book for a philosophy class - Contemporary Christian Belief - and the author was saying something about how we all hunger for drama in our lives, and we all want to be happy. So we try to find happiness in material goods, sports, etc, and we put all our time and effort and energy into these things, but the happiness they bring is only short-lasting, for genuine happiness only comes from Christ. so true :)
Friday, February 05, 2010
Spring classes begin
Curly hair! still kinda miss my straight hair though. much easier to manage. heh.
This is me bored and not wanting to do any homework at all.
This is my book for senior media class. What Color is your Parachute? It's an awesome guide for job hunting.
And this is me with curly hair! it's so dry it makes me sad.
Anyway, classes started this week. it's kinda weird going to normal classes again and having reading assignments and taking tests and all that fun stuff. haven't done this in almost a year, since my semester in LA was so crazy fun and no work at all. not used to school anymore! oh well. 4 more months to graduation and counting! :)
Monday was TOTALLY overwhelming. i'm taking Aerobic Conditioning, which is like Tae-Bo and Pilates, twice a week. should be fun! but the professor is SO WEIRD. he's this awkward old man who kept teasing this really fat guy in the class.
Professor: So why are you in this class?
Fat Guy: Well, I wanted to lose some weight...
Professor: Hah! 14 weeks isn't going to do anything. Just don't eat!
Fat Guy: Uh... yeah... that could work too... (awkward silence)
Professor: (turns to another student) You're studying to be a dietician, you should help this guy out, he needs it!
(more awkward silence)
So weird but mildly entertaining too. even though i felt so bad for the guy. but he didn't seem to care much.
I'm also taking Performing Literature, which is analyzing literature pieces and acting them out. SIGH. i hate acting. but the class seems to be pretty fun, so hopefully it wont be that bad. haven't done literature (or math or history) in like FOUR YEARS. pretty much forgotten every thing i've ever learned, which confirms the fact that education is useless 'cause you just memorize a bunch of crap and then completely forget it when the exam is over. such a waste of time!
Another tough class i'm taking is Contemporary Christian Belief, another Bible class we're forced to take. this one's the hardest though.. it's a philosophy class and we have FOUR books to read and they're so confusing i don't understand anything. something about faith and reason and.... i have no idea. haha.
And then senior media class, where all the graduating seniors get together and whine about our difficult semesters ahead and how we dont know what to do with our lives after graduation. haha. plus we have to create our portfolio, a combination of the best pieces of work we've done over the LAST FOUR YEARS. omg. have to go dig into my hard drive and find all the crap i've done, perfect it, design the porfolio, make a freaking website.... all that fun stuff. sigh. so stressed. Also taking Web Design, which will help me make a website 'cause i have no idea how.
It was funny during the first day of class, the professor was like, okay, here's a sample website, now go and create it. and the entire class gave him blank looks. and he was like, ALL OF YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO USE DREAMWEAVER (the program to make websites)????? we nodded sheepishly. he went on, EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE ALL TAKEN THE DREAMWEAVER COURSE BEFORE??? SOME OF YOU JUST TOOK IT LAST SEMESTER! we bowed our heads in embarrassment. well, it's not my fault i took the Dreamweaver class 2 years ago and i didn't learn anything from it even though i got an A!
Anyway, i think it's going to be a crazy ridiculous busy semester. spring time always goes by fast. but thank God i have tuesdays and thursdays off. NO CLASS! today i slept in till 1pm. HAHAHA. pretty sure my roommate thinks i'm a pig.
OH! and i actually got an A for Astronomy! i mean A=, but it's still an A and i totally did NOT expect that. i didn't study much for the final exam, and i got a B+!! two more marks to an A! so weird. i totally guessed all the answers too. haha.
OOOH and i'm so glad LOST is back!!!!!! the two hour premiere was INSANE. mind-boggling. i don't know what to think, it's SO GOOD! I LOVE LOST! and i love The Bachelor too! we have Bachelor parties every monday where we all squeeze into my room to watch The Bachelor on TV. haha.
This is me bored and not wanting to do any homework at all.
This is my book for senior media class. What Color is your Parachute? It's an awesome guide for job hunting.
And this is me with curly hair! it's so dry it makes me sad.
Anyway, classes started this week. it's kinda weird going to normal classes again and having reading assignments and taking tests and all that fun stuff. haven't done this in almost a year, since my semester in LA was so crazy fun and no work at all. not used to school anymore! oh well. 4 more months to graduation and counting! :)
Monday was TOTALLY overwhelming. i'm taking Aerobic Conditioning, which is like Tae-Bo and Pilates, twice a week. should be fun! but the professor is SO WEIRD. he's this awkward old man who kept teasing this really fat guy in the class.
Professor: So why are you in this class?
Fat Guy: Well, I wanted to lose some weight...
Professor: Hah! 14 weeks isn't going to do anything. Just don't eat!
Fat Guy: Uh... yeah... that could work too... (awkward silence)
Professor: (turns to another student) You're studying to be a dietician, you should help this guy out, he needs it!
(more awkward silence)
So weird but mildly entertaining too. even though i felt so bad for the guy. but he didn't seem to care much.
I'm also taking Performing Literature, which is analyzing literature pieces and acting them out. SIGH. i hate acting. but the class seems to be pretty fun, so hopefully it wont be that bad. haven't done literature (or math or history) in like FOUR YEARS. pretty much forgotten every thing i've ever learned, which confirms the fact that education is useless 'cause you just memorize a bunch of crap and then completely forget it when the exam is over. such a waste of time!
Another tough class i'm taking is Contemporary Christian Belief, another Bible class we're forced to take. this one's the hardest though.. it's a philosophy class and we have FOUR books to read and they're so confusing i don't understand anything. something about faith and reason and.... i have no idea. haha.
And then senior media class, where all the graduating seniors get together and whine about our difficult semesters ahead and how we dont know what to do with our lives after graduation. haha. plus we have to create our portfolio, a combination of the best pieces of work we've done over the LAST FOUR YEARS. omg. have to go dig into my hard drive and find all the crap i've done, perfect it, design the porfolio, make a freaking website.... all that fun stuff. sigh. so stressed. Also taking Web Design, which will help me make a website 'cause i have no idea how.
It was funny during the first day of class, the professor was like, okay, here's a sample website, now go and create it. and the entire class gave him blank looks. and he was like, ALL OF YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO USE DREAMWEAVER (the program to make websites)????? we nodded sheepishly. he went on, EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE ALL TAKEN THE DREAMWEAVER COURSE BEFORE??? SOME OF YOU JUST TOOK IT LAST SEMESTER! we bowed our heads in embarrassment. well, it's not my fault i took the Dreamweaver class 2 years ago and i didn't learn anything from it even though i got an A!
Anyway, i think it's going to be a crazy ridiculous busy semester. spring time always goes by fast. but thank God i have tuesdays and thursdays off. NO CLASS! today i slept in till 1pm. HAHAHA. pretty sure my roommate thinks i'm a pig.
OH! and i actually got an A for Astronomy! i mean A=, but it's still an A and i totally did NOT expect that. i didn't study much for the final exam, and i got a B+!! two more marks to an A! so weird. i totally guessed all the answers too. haha.
OOOH and i'm so glad LOST is back!!!!!! the two hour premiere was INSANE. mind-boggling. i don't know what to think, it's SO GOOD! I LOVE LOST! and i love The Bachelor too! we have Bachelor parties every monday where we all squeeze into my room to watch The Bachelor on TV. haha.
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