i don't know why but lately i've been rather down and crabby and frustrated. don't really wanna tell anyone here anything, cuz i feel so stupid..feel like i get upset over little, stupid things that i shouldn't be upset about, but i am..and it sucks oh so bad.
maybe it's cuz my walk with God is suffering too..quite a bit. i don't know what's wrong with me!!! last semester i did wonderful.. quiet time almost everyday..chapel..church..sharing..but this semester it's like my motivation just flew out the window. and i don't feel like doing anything. at all. i have got to get right with God. i'm just a little depressed now. maybe it's the hormones.
maybe it's cuz i've been too busy to get much sleep..celebrated cait's bdae on mon at a chinese restaurant..glad we did it cuz she was happy and less homesick after that :) then tues n today was full of meetings n classes. i got so depressed today i even skipped classes.
we had our wing open house today..with an old school nintendo theme..so we had a projector n a nintendo set up in the hallway n decorations of mario n friends. was fun. had a miami spring break meeting at night..met new people on the trip..it's a huge group - 50 over people. i'm excited to get to know them. but just..kinda stressed..about my motives for going..basically deep inside i wanna go cuz it's freaking sunny miami and i have no place else to go..not that i really wanna go serve God..sigh. that sounds awful.
also frustrated cuz supposed to meet deadline n write an article for The Echo..but stupid people i contacted haven't gotten back to me..so my editor's on my back trying to get me to finish the story..i guess this is how my life's gonna be if i choose to be a journalist..meeting deadlines crazier than this and tracking down people to get the stupid story no one even cares about.
it's just...UGHHHH. so many things to do! so overwhelmed!!
not too happy with classes either. digital photography is just awful. here i am, stuck in a class with all these quirky artsy art majors, and of course they take awesome, artsy pictures..and all i do is take a picture of the sunset..and they talk about lines, shadows, shapes...criticizing the pictures..and all i see is that the pictures all look good to me. ARRGGHH. i don't get it!! why the heck must i take this stupid class anyway. i'm not gonna be a photographer! have no intention to be one either! so the prof showcased all our photos taken for our project to the whole class, and obviously mine was like the worst. i was like, omg. i already know i suck. u don't have to display my photos to the world to show them that i suck. seriously. so annoyed.
and omg. HISTORIC CHRISTIAN BELIEF is driving me up the wall. i swear, after every class (mon wed fri) i get SO PISSED at the prof all i can do is vent with my friends and refuse to do anything but go back to my room and steam. HE's SOOOO stupid. it's like he wants us to fail or something. u can practically FEEL the hatred, the unadulterated loathing the class has for him. soooo unreasonable i just wanna BOX HIS FACE. i was so on the verge of yelling at him today. maybe i should. like curse him in chinese or something. aarrrgghh. he's so primary school! quizzes everyday..about things no one expects us to know. and he expects us to turn in stuff he never even tells us about. always thinks he's right. omg. he's not even a real teacher (i can see why). just a sub. grrrr. he better not make my GPA go down or i'd complain or smack his face or something. seriously. the whole class should just riot against him and his stupid policies.
and then we have a formal coming up..normally that's a fun thing..going on dates with the wing to dinner n a play..but everyone's just so obsessed with finding the perfect dress! i'm like..omg get over it already! and it just makes me frustrated that they all seem to want to have to show off tons of skin. like really, tons. u can almost see everything on some of them. and like..why??? what's the point of it?? to get guys to look right?? why would u wanna seduce ur fellow brothers??? aaarrrgggghhhh. and they convince each other to go more and more skimpy. it's like a competition for who can show off the most skin. like the more u bare, the more beautiful u are. which is so wrong!!!! omgggg. i wanna drill some sense into them sometimes. how can u wear such a thing n not expect guys to look/be tempted! and i can't say that to anyone cuz they wouldn't understand. they'd be like, whatever. you're too conservative. well maybe i am. but i just dont feel right baring so much to a guy i'm not even interested in. ok........... i should just..... stop judging people. i need a place to be alone. BUT WHERE???? this place is so suffocating sometimes.
sometimes i feel like being here in this 'christian' environment makes me question/lower my values.
tattoos have become ok..no longer a form of vandalizing our body..the temple of God..
going to church regularly suddenly becomes..not so important after all (never thought i'd say that)
dressing becomes..not so modest. even i've changed. i know it. and i've so many guy friends who say that even the way girls here dress daily is not..helpful to them at all.
my view of christians becomes..more cynical i guess i would say. they really don't seem to act like Christians sometimes. i dont know how to face the real world if my community in Christ isn't even strong enough for me to fall back on.
i just needed a place to vent. going to sleep now. need to catch up on rest.
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