What to do with my life

The most commonly asked question now that I'm a senior is,
"so... what do you wanna do after you graduate?", which is just another version of the ever-popular
"so... what do you wanna do with your life?"

But the answer is always the same - I don't know, I have no idea whatsoever, and if anyone has any suggestions, let me know.


Seriously. I've thought about all the things I can do, and there's just endless possibilities and I can't narrow it all down to ONE job. I would love to travel and write, or be a screenwriter for films, or work for a casting agency, or write for an entertainment/fashion magazine... so many things, and I just don't know how to choose! Sometimes I just wish God would write my future in the clouds, spell it out clearly for me to see, and then I could just see it, understand it, and follow, no questions asked.

But this whole doubt, uncertainty, anxiety, fearful thing that I have going on now... not cool. I guess I have mixed feelings about the future. On one hand, it's exciting and wonderful and filled to the brim with all kinds of amazing promises. But on the other hand, it's also paved with intimidating and terrifying possibilities that scare me half to death.

The reason why I'm on this subject is because we were talking about it in Senior Capstone class. We had to prepare for mock interviews, 4 lucky people out of our 13-person class got to be observed by everyone as they got interviewed by the professor pretending to be a potential employer. It was a good learning experience. But anyway, we also got to share our job objectives and what kind of jobs we're looking for after graduation. And just hearing others share... it really made me think. Because everyone was like, 'I'm looking for a job with a non-profit organization, because I want to go into ministry, and help the needy and the poor, and serve Jesus, etc.'

And I don't know why, but that just made me feel like the scum of the earth, simply because I had different intentions and a different path in mind for my life. I feel like God isn't calling me to non-profit, and the only reason I've been looking at non-profit organizations is because I felt like I had to, since everyone else seemed to be doing it. But in reality, I don't want to. As much as I support non-profit organizations and I think it's awesome that people are working for such great causes, I simply don't feel called to it. I want to work for a secular company. A travel, lifestyle, entertainment, fashion, beauty, or food magazine. And somehow that makes me feel extremely guilty, like I should be going into ministry instead of surrounding myself with materialistic, corrupted people.

So that's what I've been struggling with, especially because people here are so... Christian-y. They all want to go into ministry full-time, which is great, but I've come to the conclusion that it's not for me. And the only reason I would go into it is because I've no other choice. I really feel like God has called me to work in a secular publication, but sometimes I just feel so... superficial, like I'm a disappointment to Taylor University just because I'm not using my gifts for God's ministry. I tell people that I would love to work for a magazine like People, and they're like, 'that's so you!' and they give me this look that says, 'but... you're kidding, right? why would you work for a corrupted magazine like that that doesn't promote any good values?' And that hurts, because it makes me feel like people think of me as superficial and materialistic and that's why I would want a job like that.

But I'm not kidding. I mean, if we all shy away from secular publications just because we're scared or we don't wanna mix with those people or we don't wanna waste our gifts on something trivial like entertainment or fashion, then who will be a testimony to those people?? Who will bring light into their lives?? Who will lead them to the truth?? Do they not deserve to know the redemptive love of Christ?? Are they not as worthy to hear the Gospel as poor, undernourished African children dying of AIDS?? I mean, seriously. We need to go out into the marketplace and minister to the people too. They have empty hearts and hungry souls too. They need God too!

So even though I know it will be hard and there will be tons of temptations, after hearing a friend of mine voice the same doubts I had, I was so encouraged, because she had come to accept her calling. And she was okay with people 'looking down' on her just 'cause she wanted to work for a secular company. I really liked what she said about even though she knows there will be lots of temptation to fall into the ways of the world, it is often through our weakness that God builds our strengths. That was so comforting to me, because that was exactly what I was worried about. I know myself, I know how easily influenced I am, and I know I will fall into temptation. But you know what? I also know that God will be there to keep my feet firmly on the ground, pull me out of the darkness when I can't see the light, and make me stronger when I learn from my mistakes and overcome my weaknesses.

So yes. I want to work for a secular entertainment/lifestyle/travel/fashion magazine. That is what I am passionate about, that is what I think God is calling me to, and that is where I believe God will open doors. And I will just have to learn to not be ashamed of that anymore. So call me shallow, call me foolish. Even though what I want to do with my life may seem insignificant, compared to a brave doctor curing diseases in Africa, I believe that God will somehow use my gifts and talents to influence people, touch lives, and bring a change in the world.