today was a pretty down day. i don't know.
speech class made me kinda down. got the feedback abt my speech frm the rest of the class. the comments were pretty gd..most pple liked it. just that i spoke too fast. again! i tried to slow down already!! grrr. but like, 2 pple said stuff that made me really sad. one was like, u shld have chosen a topic that u could persuade. of cuz everyone'll say that we need God more. cop out.
!!!! that was so mean. does that mean this person spends time with God daily, regularly? never failing to put aside time for Him? then i admire his discipline. but it's been a personal struggle for me, so the speech is personal. i wasn't persuading them to acknowledge we need God more, i was persuading them to not be so caught up in life that they forget God.
and then another was like, i have a personal lack of faith in most of ur sources. lotsa false assumptions. assumed loving God=spending time with Him alone. then why wouldn't God say this explicitly in the Bible? doesn't God want many different things from us?
but doesn't God want us to spend time with Him alone?? yeah He wants many things from us, but first He wants us to love Him and then do His works. i'm just really confused right now. what's wrong with my sources?? the purpose driven life, drawing near, live your calling. i don't see anything wrong. i feel like i'm in a college with people who claim to be christians but actually believe in something worlds apart from me. i don't even feel a connection with them as a body of christ. it's just so hard cuz they all believe in something so unfamiliar to me. feel like my faith is being tested or something. either there's something wrong with their beliefs or mine. right now it feels like mine's wrong. like they're all ganging up against me n telling me the God i've always believed in and loved doesn't exist.
how could we be so different? isn't God the same everywhere? doesn't He treat everyone the same? isn't the Bible the same everywhere? then how come i feel like no one understands the God i know? this just makes me doubt myself. makes me depressed.
if i can't even persuade college CHRISTIAN students about God, how on earth can God use me to persuade others around the world to come to know Him? i feel like maybe everything i ever thought i heard from Him was wrong. maybe He doesn't wanna use me to speak to the lost anymore. maybe i'm just meant to take a boring desk job somewhere in the middle of nowhere n just be like those pple who are christians only on sunday. i feel like i don't even have the ability to do anything for Him. i don't even have any talents. how can God use someone like me.
just heard the song 'free'
~would u believe me if i said that we are the ones who can make the change in the world today
would u believe me if i said that all of the dreams in your heart could come true today~
i don't think i have the faith to believe this anymore. i can't even change the people arnd me. how can i change the world.
my heart is shattered to dust. where are you, Lord?
1 comment:
Hi Benita,
Know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with your assumptions that i've read in your sharing.
The bible has written that there will be a generation of those who will hear but never understanding because they have chosen to close their hearts to God and to His message.
Remember the times that people spoke and though we knew it was the right thing but we kinda felt what the heck and secretly wish otherwise though we didn't do it. Many times God slowly works His way in just like water thru the soil to reach the roots of a tree.
It's the same, the faith of many are not as challenge as you were in your journey as a christian and many times they chose to be indulgent in their own desires and rights. But there will come a day where God's spirit will prevail and you will see His deliverance in their lives.
So instead you should rejoice as you have been persecuted for your faith and beliefs. For only those who are true followers are counted worthy to suffer for His name sake.
For God ultimately is the one who knows and judges the deepest and truest thots of each of us.
THEREFORE YOU HAVE DONE NO WRONG!
IF FACT YOU ARE A VOICE CALLING OUT MAKE ROOM FOR THE SAVIOUR IS COMING!
So do not be dishearten my child, for Christ lives in you and i believe however tough it has been, God has been there. Don't you know He took the nails to hold Himself there for us.
So take heart just as the Psalm you prayed, God has heard and will deliver our hearts.
Still praying daily for you.
Your Spiritual Dad and Mum,
Danny & Evelyn
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