in the quiet

~in the secret, in the quiet place...in the stillness You are there~

today was rush rush rush. mad rush to finish studying for a quiz, mad rush to finish planning my 4 yr schedule in one hr..now mad rush to plan my schedule for next semester. stressing OUT. cuz freshmen are last to register, all the good classes are taken up!! plus i don't register till 11am tmr! which means more time for OTHER people to take spaces in the classes i want!!! grrrrr. was panicky few hrs ago. but now...whatever. let God decide which class i should get into. just hope they're gd classes.

went to the prayer chapel today..where AAA (Asian awareness association) invited this youth pastor frm chicago to come preach. it was a small intimate gathering. he was a great guy! funny n friendly n all.. an alumni from wheaton college. and he lived in s'pore for a year! so he was all 'yeah lah' and 'makan lah' to me..haha. anw..the message really spoke lots to me. he talked about losing his fire for God in college..so it was all from his own experience. he said no one ever tells u this, but it's really easy to lose sight of God especially in a christian college, cuz even though u go through all the motions and activities that seem to be 'christian', in your heart it's easy to lose your first love for Him. which i think is really true.

most activities we're involved in are to do with God..we take classes about christianity and our faith..we have chapel 3 times a wk, yet we still lose our love for God. especially since we take classes about our faith. sometimes it's not so good to learn too much. feel that it makes u cynical and abit too dependent on what's tangible instead of having faith and believing in the unseen. was really encouraged by him cuz i realized i'm not alone. that many of the people who went to that session, most of whom i knew, felt the same way as me.

he asked us to close our eyes and think of a time when we used to be deeply and passionately in love with the Lord..the times we spent together with Him, when we were full of the joy of the Lord. and he observed that all of us, with the exception of one person, were looking grouchy when we closed our eyes. to say that our memories of closeness with the Lord weren't very good? cuz normally when u think of gd memories, a smile comes to ur face. well i dunno for them, but for me i wasn't smiling much cuz as i thought of how much more on fire i was for Him in the past, i just felt really horrible. like how come i've drifted so much?? like God loves me so but i keep breaking His heart..

he preached from revelation 2. saying 'you have forsaken your first love. remember the height from which you have fallen! repent and do the things you did at first. if you do not repent, i will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.'

and then he asked us this question - are you in love with God now? at this very moment, not yesterday, not just now, but right now. is Jesus your first love? and i really had trouble answering that.. couldn't say yes. didn't wanna say no. but i knew.. that deep inside i have been losing my love for God ever since i've came. i tried..regaining it..but it just kept slipping away. so the tears came..and it was the first time i cried in front of people here. wasnt alone cuz others were sniffing too, which made me feel better. heh. and i didn't feel like i needed to hold back, cuz i knew the Lord's presence was there and i was hurting because i let Him down again and again. and the Lord just ministered to me and gave me a renewed passion for Him.
i am gonna love Him like never before!!!

~i'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus You're all this heart is living for~